As I prepare to shrink my practice down to allow treatment, transportation (100 miles roundtrip every morning) and maybe the need to back away from work completely for some weeks (3-4-5?) toward the end of radiation/chemo for self-care, I am having the same discussion with each client I see...providing a few names for backup while I'm gone, reduced time slots open for appointments etc. It seems like everyone has a cancer story in their family to tell me. Some are horrifying, some are encouraging. EVERYONE seems to have one. Everyone wants to tell me about someone they know who had 5000 doses of radiation and 25 years of continuos chemo. It seems I am having one continuos cancer discussion. And yet, still no symptoms...still I am able to cushion the hard face of this with intellectual musings. Here are some personal truths:
1)Pain frightens me...no...I mean pain really frightens me.
2)I fear my clients will slowly start leaving me... I see myself back where I was 20 years ago with a meager practice and a lot of self-doubt.
3)This blog is making me aware of the chasm between me as the appreciator of deeper things...and me as the frightened child with abandonment issues.
4)this blog is also leaving me feeling self indulgent, self inflated, self exposed, self conscious. I have spent a lifetime in hiding...and have achieved a certain expertise in that endeavor. It is not just cancer that seems poised to leak out all over my life here.
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I am again and again touched profoundly in my heart by your willingness to share with such unhiding vulnerability... not the pop-psych catch-phrase kind, but a real THIS IS ME that reaches out to my own hiding sides and jostles them.... "see here? He's afraid AND he's taking a Step." I nod. I look aside. I read again. You're a beacon of light, Steve.
ReplyDeleteAt the risk of being another of those with a cancer story--you know that I know some of what you are going through. I'm so sorry to hear of your diagnosis. I will tell you from my experience that chemo is not as bad as I expected. It sucks, don't get me wrong. But I have been able to work almost all of the time. If it's any consolation, I have had very little pain. Just a needle stick now and then. Of course our cancers are very different, but all you can do is take a day at a time. Know that you have the support and love of your friends and family. If you need anything, or just want to talk, I'm here!!--Cindy P
ReplyDeleteThanks for inviting us to read this. Your honesty regarding this journey and your willingness to be truthful about what REALLY is being stirred up in you (doubt, fear) is incredible. It shows that you are enlightened, evolved and most of all, touchingly human. I know you have everything you need to navigate this turbelence. You have a gift for storytelling and amazing strength and support. I feel very, very lucky to know you!
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