I am in this waiting phase...48 hours away from a definitive (hopefully) diagnosis via a PET Scan...the source of my cancer should light up...I talk with clients and for the moment I am distracted, their cares, their concerns, their pain become my focus. And when they leave...if I don't keep my thoughts active they drift toward this tumor...this fear...and then I focus on the immense love of God...and the fear recedes...for awhile...and then back again it comes...and so goes my day...
So I feel like my awareness of myself, my mortality, my fear, the trials that lie ahead comes and goes in waves as my awareness of others, God, and deeper things comes to the foreground. Can I hold one without letting the other go...not yet...
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