Radiation day 14
Today, I see my last client before taking a break till November. As hard a decision as this was, I am certain it is right. I've not taken more than about 10 days of vacation a year in the last 15 years,(and not a day of sick leave!) and there is that whole "work is my identity" issue, but I am not fit to work. I get fatigued in voice, body, focus, throat and even sitting in a chair is draining. I am ready to take my afternoons at home. Tomorrow begins my second round of chemo, right after radiation and a chat with the oncologist. I'm feeling lousy and tired today, and sitting at my desk right now, I want to be home. (I will be in 90 minutes.) I met with the dietician/nutritionist today, and was told to up my intake of calories by about 50% to 5 or 6 cans of product through the feeding PEG each day. I had just gotten it up to 3 cans.
It was difficult to hear about Patrick Swayze. He was my age (57). Of course, pancreatic cancer is so much more lethal, and I can't compare what I am going through, but it seems everywhere there is cancer. These days, I have so much more appreciation and admiration for people who fight bravely, and I am in awe of the courage of some people. Indeed, I am going through what I am going through, but I go through it as one who wants to hide under the covers till the storm passes. In fact, I am dreading the next 72 hours, and keeping a close eye on all the anti-nausea meds. It's a long way till tomorrow.
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Hey Steve,
ReplyDeleteReading over a random selection of your entries, I'm struck with the sense that this whole cancer experience is like a long, strange trip...moments of spiritual wholeness and solace, then loss and terror...isolation, then connectedness...integration, then disintegration...a pretty tough trip, indeed. But it seems like blogging about it is a way to stay honest through it all. I am aware of a desire in me to be right there along with you, battling through it too, trying to stay sane. Your check-ins allow me to do just that. Hang in there, friend. Jeff
Sometimes brave is too much to ask, but willing is enough. Here's to better hours, when they come.
ReplyDeleteI continue to be humbled by your journey - so hard, so scary, so weirdly physical and spiritual at the same time. Several people asked about you on Sunday and said they were praying for you...the people at SMOC are definitely thinking of you. And just before your blog, someone told me about Ted K's own cancer journey. I guess that means that someday in the future you're destined to be a poet laureate!
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