This is the third straight day of feeling slightly better. I think I regained a pound yesterday, and I ATE a bowl of cereal (6AM) and 2 pancakes (8AM) already today. Forget the syryup...(that nasty radiation), but I was able to eat them with Jelly. Drinking water is still out of the question, but I think some broth might work, and I will use the feeding tube. Last week, here is how I was losing weight: try walking from your clothes dryer to your bedroom with a double arm load of unfolded socks...when you get to the bedroom, you turn around and realize you've left a trail of socks behind...every day, I was dropping a pound or two; no matter how much I wanted otherwise, I couldn't seem to keep from dropping socks.,.I lost 7% of my body weight in 8 days...at that rate...forget it...
Feeling better is such a relative term...it's night and day from where I was two days ago...but I am very tired...it is a different type of fatigue than just being tired...it feels like a depletion of energy at a cellular level. At the same time...I am feeling alive and more with it today. In addition to daily radiation in Omaha last week, I saw 14 clients. I can't say I am empowered by that; I just hope I didn't cheat them of too much of their valuable time. I felt so sick; I was just not present at all. This week will be my last week to see clients, and I intend to shut down my practice until November. I think I have around a dozen appointments scheduled this week, so only 3 a day rather than four. I think after this week I will have at least been able to see all my clients for a final visit before hitting the "pause" button. I wasn't sure I'd get that job done, but I wanted to. Just because.
Now, on to another matter...it's Saturday and I have time and some energy to ramble here...early on, I posted some blogs about childhood events that I "endured." If you joined reading this more recently, they were posts on August 10 & August 17. I stopped doing that after I had a realization (duh! perhaps I should say...it finally sunk in) that people are actually reading this, and suddenly I felt very naked and exposed. But let me tell you something...those two posts DID expose me...and that scared, terrified, insecure child is what you will find if you look long enough at me. Those who know me well, already know that...for the many years I consulted at the Forensic Mental Health Unit of the State Hospital in Nebraska...(the Lincoln Regional Center)....you know that in a REAL crisis of physical violence, my motto was "STOP,DROP, and ROLL" long enough to let the real heroes get past me to the scene. I am not the world's biggest coward...but if there were two lines forming (Cowards to the left, Heroes to the right) I don't think anyone would need to check my ID as I pushed my way to the left. And...I am NOT emotionally brave either...denial and avoidance have been two buddies of mine for a long time. Many comments have been so graciously complimentary...but I started thinking last night that I need to clarify this...GO BACK...re-read my conversation with Jesus yesterday...I was NOT the encourager, I was NOT the comforter in that transaction. I'm still that scared, insecure kid looking for approval and love. I have little doubt that when the going gets REALLY tough (oh, how I am dreading two weeks from now when I do chemo and radiation together; how frightened I am of that...and then I start thinking H1N1...and I can't hardly stand it...yet...I say...I am taking it a day at a time...NOT...exactly) I am going to fold up and hide in a corner.
My point here, and please, please hear this...DO NOT LOOK AT ME LIKE SOME COURAGEOUS MAN...if there is any encouragement, if there is any comfort....KNOW THIS- KNOW THIS- KNOW THIS...it is coming from the ONE who IS the comforter, who IS the encourager...and NOT from me. I really don't know how to do that...though I may be a psychologist...I can't perform that kind of miracle! If there is encouragement...let's be encouraged together...but remember from Who it comes.... To have the thought that I might in some small tiny way have a chance to reflect back the Love that has been flooding me this past month is such an honor...again...it is God's love...(and it is YOUR love)...that I am reflecting. That's all!!! Period...Hold a mirror up to me alone...and you will soon enough see the frame of the bed shaking along with me. When I said early on that I really, really do not like pain...I MEANT IT.
Finally, let me put to death any notion that I am being falsely modest or humble. Again...if you know me well enough...you know that I am generally a nice guy, a decent person...too passive...too introverted...sometimes funny...but NOT the most generous, NOT the most loving...NOT the most self-sacrificing guy on the block...I want to make sure one of those burgers on the grill is for ME!!!..... so let's be clear...there's me...
...and then... there's HIM!!!!!!
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Having God in one's life can make cowards lose their weakness. His strength can make the dark corners less troubling. It doesn't hurt to have a loving, calm mate to help when one thinks it can't get worse. I marvel at Kathy's calm, sweet, funny character. You are both blessed to have each other. Does God put angels in our lives or is it just luck? I know you think I am just prejudiced but I REALLY, REALLY think you two are the best God can dish up. You both are in my heart and prayers daily.
ReplyDeleteBeing cast as the hero carries a certain weight of expectation. Don't worry about managing the cape and tights at this point.
ReplyDeleteFor now,just allow the wind to stir you, lift you. By your motion we who only look will know the powerful wind that touches you.
I read this post yesterday and have been thinking of it since. Your words humble me. So often when we "feel strong," we are ready to take on the glory for that strength - when really it belongs to God. Thanks for the reminder.
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