checking in - TGIF

Radiation day 27 of 35

I say TGIF with ambivalence...it is wonderful to be able to have a few days without getting up early to drive into the jaws of that horror machine. On the other hand...the count stays frozen until Monday. I want this over, and the sooner the better. OK, I will focus on the positive and enjoy being spared the action over the weekend.

To keep it simple today, I'll just stick to the experience of my day; I just slowly have more of the same, plus some, every day. The most painful thing is swallowing, the most horrible thing is the burning out of my salivary glands. The thing I fear the most is vomiting. I do not swallow very much as I do not have normal saliva. Another paradox... the longer I go between swallowing, the more dried out my mouth gets, and the more horrible the next swallow will feel. On the other hand, each swallow is painful. When I wake up after a few hours sleep, the first time I swallow, reality hits me awake like a slap in the face. I wake up very calmly...often, until I move, I am feeling OK...like...somehow there was some healing...it is quiet, it is calm, it is around 2-3:00AM, and everything seems OK for a few moments...very peaceful...then I try to swallow...and I see stars. Then I feel slightly nauseated...though I think...I am NOT going to be ill...and thank God, I have not been for several days. Then I sit up, after having gradually slipped to a more prone position over a few hours. I sit in bed for a few hours...until 6:30AM...these are not too bad as far as hours of the day. Then, I suddenly feel very tired, but force myself out of bed, into the shower, and my day begins. The mornings are consumed by the trip to Omaha and radiation, and sometimes appointments with the oncologist and check of blood levels. The early afternoons are OK; I listen to a book on tape or read for a while, but I start feeling worse as the afternoon goes on...until I take my first dose of narcotic around 4:00. Then, the next few hours are OK...then, I start feeling bad again, then, I take a second dose of narcotic around 9. I take a sleeping pill around 10. I try to read until I pass out...I do not turn the light off...I try to sit up in bed and hopefully just pass out.

I pray in a slightly different way these days...more just visiting with God a few minutes now and again over the course of a day. I also sense the prayers of others...I really do. There is a verse that I have been focusing on as a lifeline...I will share it some day soon, but it really feels sort of private right now. It is not the verse, but the voice of God speaking through it that is so comforting.

Eight days of radiation left. That will be such a lift to me. I know the recovery will be slow, and the burning continues after radiation ends, but what a relief to not have to face that daily ordeal, knowing what it brings. And to at least think, the healing is beginning...

I think my mood is OK and generally, I am in better spirits than I was during the early stages of this when I had infections and got so sick. I was dreading that last round of chemo more than you could imagine, and I really felt overwhelmed with relief when the oncologist told me he did not think I needed to go through that.

It has been around a month since I have had any food or water in my mouth, the last thing was a cup of soup...I think about a month ago. I tried a spoon of plain yogurt, and a spoon of flavored yogurt last night. The flavored yogurt was horrible, the plain yogurt was just miserable. I will wait a few more weeks before trying that again. The sip of water that I take with the sleeping pill is very difficult to get down. The other drugs I have in liquid form and they go into the feeding tube.

Thanks for reading all this. It just is what it is today.