Well, perhaps I let a better day deceive me again...the oncologist did tell me the first week or two after radiation would be as rough or rougher than the last week or two of radiation...and today is rough. I did not sleep well, I am having mouth and throat and saliva issues, and feeling quite weak again. Tomorrow completes my first week post radiation.
I find I am fighting as much emotionally and spiritually as physically...I lie around during the day without the energy to get out of bed, and feel lonely, depressed and distant from God. I begin to wonder if all the things I wrote in the blog I just wrote because they sounded good...did I really feel that connected to God?...why don't I have any desire to pray or meditate or read the Bible or read anything at all for that matter? Will this trial ever end? Intellectually, I can be rational with myself and tell myself that in the next week or two, I will begin to improve and everything wont seem as dark as it does right now. But, that is just my intellect, and to be honest, things seem dark right now.
I did have a good few hours yesterday...it was gloriously beautiful outside, and I sat in the backyard for a half hour or so and enjoyed the sun and the colorful leaves and birds and squirrels at work. Be thankful, for small things.
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Perhaps it's time to start putting your acorns and pine cones in a jar, one at a time, every time you have a good day or a good moment within a day. Before you know it, they'll all be gone and you'll be back to your vibrant self, with all of the pain behind you, and all of your loving friends around you. Much peace, bright blessings.
ReplyDeleteStill praying. Wish we could take at least a bit of the agony from you and give some peace and contentment in its place. We love you lots. Thanks for being honest in the midst of the struggles.
ReplyDeleteMay small things continue to light your path and remind you of the Friend who never leaves you.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of you Steve. I check your mail box in the office to see if you have been in.
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing how the disappearance of a pile of mail from your box makes me smile.
M2
I know it's hard not to judge the moments you are in and the feelings you have. I know it's hard not to have expectations, shoulds and wants...God, isn't that what meditation teaches us? What a metaphor for life contemplative prayer is. Meditation is hard, so I guess it follows that life is too. But remember those blissful moments when you release all thoughts, you watch them pass you by without attachment? Maybe you can "watch" these absolutely sucky moments of cancer pass you by...and get to the bliss. God bless. Jodi
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