Well, I have gotten a consistent message that maybe I am doing better than I am giving myself credit for, and that I need to recognize and appreciate how far I have already come. I guess that's true. I also need to allow the healing process to move at it's own pace, and not push it too far too fast. That's true, too. I really get frustrated at just how little energy I have...until one experiences it firsthand...it is hard to describe. I knew what it was to be worn out after a day of work or running around...but don't think for a minute that someone who is worn out from radiation treatment feels that way...I promise you, it is qualitatively different. I sometimes get disgusted with myself for my lack of faith and trust, and I know I am so much more at peace when I can leave things beyond my control in His hands and simply accept that this is where I am today, and that is how it is...and just rest in Him. As my body is slow to heal, so is my spirit and my emotions...I still have some depression I struggle with. I can feel it on the edges of my day...lurking there, even when I feel OK. Beautiful weather like we had today definitely helps, and keeping somewhat "busy" with working several hours each day makes a huge difference as well. I see that I do so much better when I get my mind off of my cancer and recovery. That creates a little bit of a problem with this blog...I am not sure yet how to resolve that. I woke up around 4AM this morning and had difficulty getting back to sleep...those are some of the most difficult times to get through, though, again, that is so much better than being awake and unable to sleep throughout an entire night. Oh, let's change the subject. If you read the comments yesterday, you know it was my birthday. It was low-key...and that is how I wanted it to be. I am going to have a piece of birthday cake as soon as I can enjoy one, and I am NOT going to wait a whole year...and I thank you all who remembered my birthday and wished me well. Being remembered really matters, whether it's a birthday, or just a small nod of affirmation. It's so much the little things, and the "little" things are often so grand and glorious.
OK, I am a tincture better today, and I thank God for that...onward!!!
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Steve, I like the word "tincture," though I have to admit I had to look it up. Thanks for broadening my vocabulary horizons. Hey, I may be naively optimistic, but I think the Huskers have a slim chance tomorrow. I think if they won that would at least be a double tincture day. What do you think? God bless.
ReplyDeleteYou make me think about the hurried healing this world seems to demand. I had coffee a couple weeks ago with a friend who lost her mother at the end of this summer. She actually apologized for getting teary-eyed about a memory that crept up on her. She chided herself for not 'getting over it.' I'm not lobbying for Marie Curie-type decades of grief or for protracted physical suffering and weakness. I pray for a happy issue out of all our afflictions, the sooner the better. But also I understand why another friend who went through lung cancer treatment stopped wearing a watch. Steve, thank you for bravely feeling all your feelings and faithfully reaching out even when you'd rather change the channel. Enjoy the Huskers and know that you are loved,blogging or resting. God bless you.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the "anonymous" poster about our culture's insistence on rapid healing and toughness. My sister is recovering from a knee replacement and just yesterday spoke of how tired she is both from physical aspects of the recover - but mainly from the beating-up she's constantly giving herself!
ReplyDeleteAdd to that natural impatience and just wanting to flat-out feel better, and - well, you're walking a tough road.
On a totally different topic (yay!) I just read a short blurb in the New Yorker about a woman who has become a sort of celebrity due to her poetry readings. She doesn't write any poetry; she reads that of others! That sounds like a perfect thing for you to do, and become famous doing it. I'll try to find a link & send it to you via email.