checking in -back to church and my two course meal

Today I returned to church for the first time since the middle of September...my H1N1 vaccine having had sufficient time to protect me (I'm such a coward), and feeling well enough to "mingle." I appreciated the many folk who approached me and conveyed they were happy to see me back, and I was looking well. I hear that quite a bit...I look thin, a little gaunt, but not as beat up as I often feel...so when I'm told I look well, I am taken aback...I think everyone can see my internal state of low energy, weakness, feeling cold all the time, salivary dysfunction. Getting out to work, to church, to a store, always involves such an effort, and when I arrive home, I feel quite depleted, but it staves off the despair which lying on the couch all day brings.

Another major event today...my first two course meal...I had a bowl of Campbells Cream of Chicken Soup followed by Cherry Jello. I actually had a slight sensation of taste for both, though I had to strain out the teensy-weensy chunks of chicken in the soup, and rinse my mouth repeatedly after each course. Now, my repertoire of food is up to three items...(eggs, soup and jello). I've had sips of other beverages, attempts to eat other food, but usually one sip or one small bite shouts "NOT YET." The five eggs I've eaten (poached, scrambled) have not been pleasant, but I got them down. Otherwise, it's still Ensure Plus, plus a product called Scandishake, which I ordered through Amazon.Com...500 calories, but way too expensive to order by mail, and I've not seen it sold locally.

When it comes to energy, I still naively think I am going to wake up from this one morning finding I feel noticeably better instead of taking these microsteps. I thought with a four day weekend I'd be stronger on Monday going back to work than I was on the previous Wednesday, but I can't tell any difference. It is the weirdest sensation to have a thought like "I'll get up and get that book I left in the other room" and then 20 minutes later, I am still "stuck" and trying to convince myself to move. Once I get up, I go...but overcoming the inertia of remaining motionless is challenging...I might think..."I am uncomfortable in this position" but then I must debate with myself about it.

So, onward to December...when I think in terms of months, I can see how November sure beat October, and I am sure December will be an improvement over November. Perhaps that's a better way to look at it. It doesn't jive with the "one day at a time" business, but it just worked for me; so I'll take it one month at a time.

The encouragement from family and friends continues...it got me through treatment and will get me through recovery from treatment...in church today, I was approached by a survivor of lung cancer... people who get through radiation and chemo know what it means when you say "the treatment will kill you." It really is designed to kill, and potentially being "cured" is just a side effect.

But hey, the alternative was not appealing at all.