Today I returned to church for the first time since the middle of September...my H1N1 vaccine having had sufficient time to protect me (I'm such a coward), and feeling well enough to "mingle." I appreciated the many folk who approached me and conveyed they were happy to see me back, and I was looking well. I hear that quite a bit...I look thin, a little gaunt, but not as beat up as I often feel...so when I'm told I look well, I am taken aback...I think everyone can see my internal state of low energy, weakness, feeling cold all the time, salivary dysfunction. Getting out to work, to church, to a store, always involves such an effort, and when I arrive home, I feel quite depleted, but it staves off the despair which lying on the couch all day brings.
Another major event today...my first two course meal...I had a bowl of Campbells Cream of Chicken Soup followed by Cherry Jello. I actually had a slight sensation of taste for both, though I had to strain out the teensy-weensy chunks of chicken in the soup, and rinse my mouth repeatedly after each course. Now, my repertoire of food is up to three items...(eggs, soup and jello). I've had sips of other beverages, attempts to eat other food, but usually one sip or one small bite shouts "NOT YET." The five eggs I've eaten (poached, scrambled) have not been pleasant, but I got them down. Otherwise, it's still Ensure Plus, plus a product called Scandishake, which I ordered through Amazon.Com...500 calories, but way too expensive to order by mail, and I've not seen it sold locally.
When it comes to energy, I still naively think I am going to wake up from this one morning finding I feel noticeably better instead of taking these microsteps. I thought with a four day weekend I'd be stronger on Monday going back to work than I was on the previous Wednesday, but I can't tell any difference. It is the weirdest sensation to have a thought like "I'll get up and get that book I left in the other room" and then 20 minutes later, I am still "stuck" and trying to convince myself to move. Once I get up, I go...but overcoming the inertia of remaining motionless is challenging...I might think..."I am uncomfortable in this position" but then I must debate with myself about it.
So, onward to December...when I think in terms of months, I can see how November sure beat October, and I am sure December will be an improvement over November. Perhaps that's a better way to look at it. It doesn't jive with the "one day at a time" business, but it just worked for me; so I'll take it one month at a time.
The encouragement from family and friends continues...it got me through treatment and will get me through recovery from treatment...in church today, I was approached by a survivor of lung cancer... people who get through radiation and chemo know what it means when you say "the treatment will kill you." It really is designed to kill, and potentially being "cured" is just a side effect.
But hey, the alternative was not appealing at all.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Deeper things - Thanks to my LORD
As Thanksgiving weekend comes to an end, I will rejoice this day in the LORD...and so I offer this psalm recollecting His greatness and majesty back to Him from the deeper places of my being
Psalm 104
Bless the LORD, O my soul; *
O LORD my God, how excellent is your greatness!
you are clothed with majesty and splendor.
You wrap yourself with light as with a cloak *
and spread out the heavens like a curtain.
You lay the beams of your chambers in the waters above; *
you make the clouds your chariot;
you ride on the wings of the wind.
You make the winds your messengers *
and flames of fire your servants.
You have set the earth upon its foundations, *
so that it never shall move at any time.
You covered it with the Deep as with a mantle; *
the waters stood higher than the mountains.
At your rebuke they fled; *
at the voice of your thunder they hastened away.
They went up into the hills and down to the valleys beneath, *
to the places you had appointed for them.
You set the limits that they should not pass; *
they shall not again cover the earth.
You send the springs into the valleys; *
they flow between the mountains.
All the beasts of the field drink their fill from them, *
and the wild asses quench their thirst.
Beside them the birds of the air make their nests *
and sing among the branches.
You water the mountains from your dwelling on high; *
the earth is fully satisfied by the fruit of your works.
You make grass grow for flocks and herds *
and plants to serve mankind;
That they may bring forth food from the earth, *
and wine to gladden our hearts,
Oil to make a cheerful countenance, *
and bread to strengthen the heart.
The trees of the LORD are full of sap, *
the cedars of Lebanon which he planted,
In which the birds build their nests, *
and in whose tops the stork makes his dwelling.
The high hills are a refuge for the mountain goats, *
and the stony cliffs for the rock badgers.
You appointed the moon to mark the seasons, *
and the sun knows the time of its setting.
You make darkness that it may be night, *
in which all the beasts of the forest prowl.
The lions roar after their prey *
and seek their food from God.
The sun rises, and they slip away *
and lay themselves down in their dens.
Man goes forth to his work *
and to his labor until the evening.
O LORD, how manifold are your works! *
in wisdom you have made them all;
the earth is full of your creatures.
Yonder is the great and wide sea
with its living things too many to number, *
creatures both small and great.
There move the ships,
and there is that Leviathan, *
which you have made for the sport of it.
All of them look to you *
to give them their food in due season.
You give it to them; they gather it; *
you open your hand, and they are filled with good things.
You hide your face, and they are terrified; *
you take away their breath,
and they die and return to their dust.
You send forth your Spirit, and they are created; *
and so you renew the face of the earth.
May the glory of the LORD endure for ever; *
may the LORD rejoice in all his works.
He looks at the earth and it trembles; *
he touches the mountains and they smoke.
I will sing to the LORD as long as I live; *
I will praise my God while I have my being.
May these words of mine please him; *
I will rejoice in the LORD.
Let sinners be consumed out of the earth, *
and the wicked be no more.
Bless the LORD, O my soul. *
Hallelujah!
Psalm 104
Bless the LORD, O my soul; *
O LORD my God, how excellent is your greatness!
you are clothed with majesty and splendor.
You wrap yourself with light as with a cloak *
and spread out the heavens like a curtain.
You lay the beams of your chambers in the waters above; *
you make the clouds your chariot;
you ride on the wings of the wind.
You make the winds your messengers *
and flames of fire your servants.
You have set the earth upon its foundations, *
so that it never shall move at any time.
You covered it with the Deep as with a mantle; *
the waters stood higher than the mountains.
At your rebuke they fled; *
at the voice of your thunder they hastened away.
They went up into the hills and down to the valleys beneath, *
to the places you had appointed for them.
You set the limits that they should not pass; *
they shall not again cover the earth.
You send the springs into the valleys; *
they flow between the mountains.
All the beasts of the field drink their fill from them, *
and the wild asses quench their thirst.
Beside them the birds of the air make their nests *
and sing among the branches.
You water the mountains from your dwelling on high; *
the earth is fully satisfied by the fruit of your works.
You make grass grow for flocks and herds *
and plants to serve mankind;
That they may bring forth food from the earth, *
and wine to gladden our hearts,
Oil to make a cheerful countenance, *
and bread to strengthen the heart.
The trees of the LORD are full of sap, *
the cedars of Lebanon which he planted,
In which the birds build their nests, *
and in whose tops the stork makes his dwelling.
The high hills are a refuge for the mountain goats, *
and the stony cliffs for the rock badgers.
You appointed the moon to mark the seasons, *
and the sun knows the time of its setting.
You make darkness that it may be night, *
in which all the beasts of the forest prowl.
The lions roar after their prey *
and seek their food from God.
The sun rises, and they slip away *
and lay themselves down in their dens.
Man goes forth to his work *
and to his labor until the evening.
O LORD, how manifold are your works! *
in wisdom you have made them all;
the earth is full of your creatures.
Yonder is the great and wide sea
with its living things too many to number, *
creatures both small and great.
There move the ships,
and there is that Leviathan, *
which you have made for the sport of it.
All of them look to you *
to give them their food in due season.
You give it to them; they gather it; *
you open your hand, and they are filled with good things.
You hide your face, and they are terrified; *
you take away their breath,
and they die and return to their dust.
You send forth your Spirit, and they are created; *
and so you renew the face of the earth.
May the glory of the LORD endure for ever; *
may the LORD rejoice in all his works.
He looks at the earth and it trembles; *
he touches the mountains and they smoke.
I will sing to the LORD as long as I live; *
I will praise my God while I have my being.
May these words of mine please him; *
I will rejoice in the LORD.
Let sinners be consumed out of the earth, *
and the wicked be no more.
Bless the LORD, O my soul. *
Hallelujah!
checking in - how I spent Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving was what it was. I spent most of the day lying on the couch with the TV on. We took a short trip south (30 minutes) to see my step-daughter Amy, her husband David, and grandkids Tanner, Rilie, Averi and Ashton on their acreage. It is always a blessing to spend time with them, and I am grateful beyond words to have such loving family. I only lasted about an hour before I felt a need to return to my cacoon and rest. It was a bit difficult to watch everyone eating desserts of many kinds, an activity I normally revel in with reckless abandon, but since I have no appetite, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. I continue to struggle with caloric intake; most days I wind up with about 1400 calories, primarily from drinking 4 cans of Ensure. Not quite enough to even maintain weight, but I'm not too big on pushing myself beyond my comfort level, even when I need to. Yesterday I thought about trying Turkey salad with lots of mayo...the texture was just too much and too unpleasant to get more than a bite down. The only food so far that I seem to be able to tolerate more than a bite of is Jello.
Watched the Huskers beat Colorado, which is always a satisfying event. Next Saturday, the Big 12 Playoff; it would take a bit of a miracle for Nebraska to play close with Colt McCoy and Texas, and I'm reserving my miracle requests for other things.
Today (Saturday) was supposed to be dedicated to gift shopping...we didn't fight the crazy shoppers for doorbusters; however, I am feeling so little energy today that the thought of walking about from store to store is overwhelming. Kathy has taken the task on herself, list in hand, as I type this. I am so thankful she is so willing to be such a help-mate, and she helps without complaint or the least bit of negativity...me, on the other hand...negativity seems all of a sudden to be on the tip of my tongue ready to be displayed to anyone who wants to hear of my woes. I usually try to hold that part of my tongue, but like everything else in my mouth...it's all messed up. (See...there I go!!!)
So, if I were grading my project to be Thankful without food on Thanksgiving...I'd get a C-. And that would be only if I were a generous grader. Lord, forgive me. Now, I am going to have to start working on my Christmas spirit! Oy, vey.
We did decide to perhaps have a Turkey dinner with all the fixins on the fourth of July. Why not? Surely by then.....
Watched the Huskers beat Colorado, which is always a satisfying event. Next Saturday, the Big 12 Playoff; it would take a bit of a miracle for Nebraska to play close with Colt McCoy and Texas, and I'm reserving my miracle requests for other things.
Today (Saturday) was supposed to be dedicated to gift shopping...we didn't fight the crazy shoppers for doorbusters; however, I am feeling so little energy today that the thought of walking about from store to store is overwhelming. Kathy has taken the task on herself, list in hand, as I type this. I am so thankful she is so willing to be such a help-mate, and she helps without complaint or the least bit of negativity...me, on the other hand...negativity seems all of a sudden to be on the tip of my tongue ready to be displayed to anyone who wants to hear of my woes. I usually try to hold that part of my tongue, but like everything else in my mouth...it's all messed up. (See...there I go!!!)
So, if I were grading my project to be Thankful without food on Thanksgiving...I'd get a C-. And that would be only if I were a generous grader. Lord, forgive me. Now, I am going to have to start working on my Christmas spirit! Oy, vey.
We did decide to perhaps have a Turkey dinner with all the fixins on the fourth of July. Why not? Surely by then.....
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
checking in - having a good day
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and today, I am having a good day. I've been at my office for three hours, and I am feeling reasonable energy to get through the day, and little physical discomfort. I have already consumed 800 calories (it's 1:00PM) so I may make 1800 today. My mouth has not been too troublesome.
I am thankful. The sun is out, though so is the wind. Yes, sometimes I must take the wind along with the sun...isn't that the truth. But if I just say...this sucks, it's so windy...then I do disservice by ignoring the pleasant sunshine. So to, in this ordeal. There is sunshine in the care and warmth of my friends and family...in the expressions of love I have recieved throughout this windstorm. There is the hope I hold for being "cured" and the prayers of many for me.
I thank God, and I thank you all, and I am heading for tomorrow (at least right now) with a pretty good attitude!
A segment from David's Psalm of Thanks
1 Chronicles 16:7-15
7 That day David first committed to Asaph and his associates this psalm of thanks to the LORD :
8 Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name;
make known among the nations what he has done.
9 Sing to him, sing praise to him;
tell of all his wonderful acts.
10 Glory in his holy name;
let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice.
11 Look to the LORD and his strength;
seek his face always.
12 Remember the wonders he has done,
his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,
13 O descendants of Israel his servant,
O sons of Jacob, his chosen ones.
14 He is the LORD our God; his judgments are in all the earth.
15 He remembers his covenant forever,
the word he commanded, for a thousand generations.
I am thankful. The sun is out, though so is the wind. Yes, sometimes I must take the wind along with the sun...isn't that the truth. But if I just say...this sucks, it's so windy...then I do disservice by ignoring the pleasant sunshine. So to, in this ordeal. There is sunshine in the care and warmth of my friends and family...in the expressions of love I have recieved throughout this windstorm. There is the hope I hold for being "cured" and the prayers of many for me.
I thank God, and I thank you all, and I am heading for tomorrow (at least right now) with a pretty good attitude!
A segment from David's Psalm of Thanks
1 Chronicles 16:7-15
7 That day David first committed to Asaph and his associates this psalm of thanks to the LORD :
8 Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name;
make known among the nations what he has done.
9 Sing to him, sing praise to him;
tell of all his wonderful acts.
10 Glory in his holy name;
let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice.
11 Look to the LORD and his strength;
seek his face always.
12 Remember the wonders he has done,
his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,
13 O descendants of Israel his servant,
O sons of Jacob, his chosen ones.
14 He is the LORD our God; his judgments are in all the earth.
15 He remembers his covenant forever,
the word he commanded, for a thousand generations.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
checking in - still trying
After last post, I've taken a several day break, partly because I felt I was failing my thanksgiving commitment. I had an under the weather weekend, and felt drained and lousy all weekend. Along with that came a return of some feelings of despair and discouragement. Being thankful seemed just beyond my grasp. I have had a slight upswing the past two days, partly because I am again at work, and partly because of a phone conversation I had last evening with a man who had virtually the same diagnosis, treatment, oncologist and course of recovery...though this week marks one year since treatment ended for him (6 weeks for me). His energy is back, he has no cancer, his appetite and eating have essentially returned (though some foods still taste funny), his saliva is partially restored, though he carries a bottle with water because he gets dry easily. He was very encouraging and kept telling me how things will get so much better over time, and I need to rest and allow the healing to take it's gradual course. That is so hard for me.
I am reviewing all I have to be thankful for, at least intellectually if not at a deeper level. There is a lot. But it is not a giddy thankfulness, and it's not eliminating this fear/discouragement that accompanies good parts of my day.
On another note, I have begin getting glimpses of taste the last few days...but to my horror...the taste of Ensure is NOT a pleasant one, and it makes drinking it harder, not easier...I tasted some fruit juice this morning, and again, it was a bit of a weird taste. I also took a bite of Jello this morning...not as bad as the other two things, but not exactly enjoyable either. I am thankful that some taste is happening; now I need to find something that tastes pleasant...and is soft and goes down easily. Any suggestions?
Did I mention I received my H1N1 vaccine last Thursday through the local health department who considered me to fall into the "High Risk" category? Now...I have to wait about another week for it to fully be in effect. It's a relief, though, to be vaccinated. One less thing for my "fear" list.
If I don't post again before Thanksgiving...(I hope to)...have a blessed Thanksgiving full of good fellowship, food and the presence of our gracious God.
Psalm 100
1 Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.
2 Worship the LORD with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.
3 Know that the LORD is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
5 For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.
I am reviewing all I have to be thankful for, at least intellectually if not at a deeper level. There is a lot. But it is not a giddy thankfulness, and it's not eliminating this fear/discouragement that accompanies good parts of my day.
On another note, I have begin getting glimpses of taste the last few days...but to my horror...the taste of Ensure is NOT a pleasant one, and it makes drinking it harder, not easier...I tasted some fruit juice this morning, and again, it was a bit of a weird taste. I also took a bite of Jello this morning...not as bad as the other two things, but not exactly enjoyable either. I am thankful that some taste is happening; now I need to find something that tastes pleasant...and is soft and goes down easily. Any suggestions?
Did I mention I received my H1N1 vaccine last Thursday through the local health department who considered me to fall into the "High Risk" category? Now...I have to wait about another week for it to fully be in effect. It's a relief, though, to be vaccinated. One less thing for my "fear" list.
If I don't post again before Thanksgiving...(I hope to)...have a blessed Thanksgiving full of good fellowship, food and the presence of our gracious God.
Psalm 100
1 Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.
2 Worship the LORD with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.
3 Know that the LORD is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
5 For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
deeper things - Thanksgiving
I had naively believed that since my radiation/chemo was complete on October 14th, I would be ready to chow down, if not by my birthday (Nov. 5), than surely by Thanksgiving... well, beyond one egg and a few bites of pudding, both equally tasteless and unpleasant, I have yet to make it beyond a bottle (of also completely tasteless to me) ENSURE. So...this year, I must postpone eating a Thanksgiving banquet, but NOT the Thanksgiving...I have tears in my eyes as I type this...God has given me an opportunity to focus on the "thanks-giving" part of this holiday, instead of the food-feast...never before, (and God-willing, never again) will that be the case. Yes, dear Steven, what an opportunity...I'll have Turkey, Pumpkin Pie, etc. next year...
BUT THIS YEAR...I WILL SIMPLY FOCUS ON GIVING THANKS!!!!!!
Without my mouth-watering...without one eye on the mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes and dressing and pie and cranberry sauce...just striving to keep my heart on being thankful...and...yes,I feel like I've been through hell, but that does not diminish all I have to be thankful for today...
I think I can pull it off...I am going to practice daily this week so that by Nov. 26 I'll be in shape. No self-pity, (or at least, not much self-pity) and no regrets...just a prayer of thanks in my heart...to God, for blessing me so abundantly with so much! I couldn't begin to adequately thank Him for all He has blessed me with...here...this prayer captures it better...
... a prayer of thanksgiving:
Though our mouths were full of song as the sea,
and our tongues of exultation as the multitude of its waves,
and our lips of praise as the wide-extended firmament;
though our eyes shone with light like the sun and the moon,
and our hands were spread forth like the eagles of heaven,
and our feet were swift as hinds,
we should still be unable to thank thee and bless thy name,
O Lord our God and God of our fathers,
for one thousandth or one ten thousandth part of the bounties
which thou has bestowed upon our fathers and upon us.
~from the Hebrew Prayer Book
BUT THIS YEAR...I WILL SIMPLY FOCUS ON GIVING THANKS!!!!!!
Without my mouth-watering...without one eye on the mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes and dressing and pie and cranberry sauce...just striving to keep my heart on being thankful...and...yes,I feel like I've been through hell, but that does not diminish all I have to be thankful for today...
I think I can pull it off...I am going to practice daily this week so that by Nov. 26 I'll be in shape. No self-pity, (or at least, not much self-pity) and no regrets...just a prayer of thanks in my heart...to God, for blessing me so abundantly with so much! I couldn't begin to adequately thank Him for all He has blessed me with...here...this prayer captures it better...
... a prayer of thanksgiving:
Though our mouths were full of song as the sea,
and our tongues of exultation as the multitude of its waves,
and our lips of praise as the wide-extended firmament;
though our eyes shone with light like the sun and the moon,
and our hands were spread forth like the eagles of heaven,
and our feet were swift as hinds,
we should still be unable to thank thee and bless thy name,
O Lord our God and God of our fathers,
for one thousandth or one ten thousandth part of the bounties
which thou has bestowed upon our fathers and upon us.
~from the Hebrew Prayer Book
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
checking in - good day sunshine
It was a good day on several fronts...
The sun came out for the first time in several days...it felt good to stand in the sunshine. It looks like the weather will be decent through Thanksgiving. NO SNOW and not that cold for this time of year.
I saw four clients and had enough energy at the end of the day to go home feeling pretty good.
I drank 5 bottles of Ensure plus...no taste...but they went down fairly easily...1750 calories!!!
I got through the entire night without having to get up to rinse my mouth out for the first time last night.
I had two or three bites of vanilla pudding this evening...tasteless, but again, it wasn't painful.
I was encouraged by a thoughtful e-mail from Ted Kooser...he finished radiation/chemo 11 years ago at the end of August and was able to eat and mildly taste Thanksgiving dinner...12 weeks...but it puts it in some perspective...
I am now 5 weeks post treatment...time is starting to pass a bit more quickly.
I am thankful for this good day.
The sun came out for the first time in several days...it felt good to stand in the sunshine. It looks like the weather will be decent through Thanksgiving. NO SNOW and not that cold for this time of year.
I saw four clients and had enough energy at the end of the day to go home feeling pretty good.
I drank 5 bottles of Ensure plus...no taste...but they went down fairly easily...1750 calories!!!
I got through the entire night without having to get up to rinse my mouth out for the first time last night.
I had two or three bites of vanilla pudding this evening...tasteless, but again, it wasn't painful.
I was encouraged by a thoughtful e-mail from Ted Kooser...he finished radiation/chemo 11 years ago at the end of August and was able to eat and mildly taste Thanksgiving dinner...12 weeks...but it puts it in some perspective...
I am now 5 weeks post treatment...time is starting to pass a bit more quickly.
I am thankful for this good day.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
checking in - slowly
Slowly is how it is going. I continue to see 3 clients a day, but that is difficult and that wears me out. Restoration of my energy level just seems to be at a standstill. Walking a block is about all I can do, and if I push it a little, I pay for it. I don't know how I walked a mile a few weeks ago, but I don't have that energy now. I am drinking Ensure, and I struggle to get 5 bottles consumed daily (1750) calories. More often than not, I only make it to four...(1400 calories) so I have not put back any weight. I am sleeping 6 hours a night, and thankful for that. I originally pictured myself eating a big Thanksgiving dinner, but, at this point, I still have no appetite, no taste buds, and eating(drinking) makes me feel worse. Water burns my tongue. I choked down a plain poached egg this morning, but it was a very unpleasant experience, and left me not wanting to eat any food again for awhile. I have learned to tolerate Ensure, and that's about it. Kathy made some Vanilla pudding for me, so I will try a spoon of that this evening. I mixed a Banana in a bottle of Ensure, but that, too, badly burned my tongue...I can't figure that out.
I struggle at times with feeling any sense of purpose right now and lying around is not conducive to feeling meaning and value. As you can tell, today I am feeling discouraged. I have better days than this, but then, back down I go. It's still a roller coaster, though I am much further along than I was a month ago...By the way...it is now one full month since I completed treatment...where is the energy????? where are my taste buds??? where is my appetite??? where is the return to normalcy for my salivary glands????
Where is the H1N1 vaccine?????
I watched about 30 hours of football this weekend (the Huskers beat the Jayhawks) ...tonight...more TV...I must watch Iron Chef to see what they are cooking up for Thanksgiving in Kitchen Stadium.
I struggle at times with feeling any sense of purpose right now and lying around is not conducive to feeling meaning and value. As you can tell, today I am feeling discouraged. I have better days than this, but then, back down I go. It's still a roller coaster, though I am much further along than I was a month ago...By the way...it is now one full month since I completed treatment...where is the energy????? where are my taste buds??? where is my appetite??? where is the return to normalcy for my salivary glands????
Where is the H1N1 vaccine?????
I watched about 30 hours of football this weekend (the Huskers beat the Jayhawks) ...tonight...more TV...I must watch Iron Chef to see what they are cooking up for Thanksgiving in Kitchen Stadium.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
deeper things - maybe
I have been so tossed around by the storms and waves that I have almost completely taken my eyes off Jesus. I forget who calms the storm, whose power is ultimate and who, even when the storm is raging, is in control. Well, today, a few reminders crept back in to tap me on the shoulder and nudge me to pay better attention. Not that I feel that good physically, not that I am past the depression, not that I don't at times get overwhelmed by fear...but maybe, just maybe, I can find a way to let His embrace surround me again. Today I stumbled on this poem which, though I had the book (House of Light) sitting on my bookshelf, I can't recall ever reading before. Maybe, in the midst of my own frequent exhaustion, I can again open my sleepy, slumbering heart to Him.
Maybe
Mary Oliver
Sweet Jesus, talking
his melancholy madness,
stood up in the boat
and the sea lay down,
silky and sorry.
So everybody was saved
that night.
But you know how it is
when something
different crosses
the threshold -- the uncles
mutter together,
the women walk away,
the young brother begins
to sharpen his knife.
Nobody knows what the soul is.
It comes and goes
like the wind over the water --
sometimes, for days,
you don't think of it.
Maybe, after the sermon,
after the multitude was fed,
one or two of them felt
the soul slip forth
like a tremor of pure sunlight
before exhaustion,
that wants to swallow everything,
gripped their bones and left them
miserable and sleepy,
as they are now, forgetting
how the wind tore at the sails
before he rose and talked to it --
tender and luminous and demanding
as he always was --
a thousand times more frightening
than the killer storm.
Maybe
Mary Oliver
Sweet Jesus, talking
his melancholy madness,
stood up in the boat
and the sea lay down,
silky and sorry.
So everybody was saved
that night.
But you know how it is
when something
different crosses
the threshold -- the uncles
mutter together,
the women walk away,
the young brother begins
to sharpen his knife.
Nobody knows what the soul is.
It comes and goes
like the wind over the water --
sometimes, for days,
you don't think of it.
Maybe, after the sermon,
after the multitude was fed,
one or two of them felt
the soul slip forth
like a tremor of pure sunlight
before exhaustion,
that wants to swallow everything,
gripped their bones and left them
miserable and sleepy,
as they are now, forgetting
how the wind tore at the sails
before he rose and talked to it --
tender and luminous and demanding
as he always was --
a thousand times more frightening
than the killer storm.
Monday, November 9, 2009
checking in - a few good days!
Actually, three of four good days...Friday, Sunday and today (Monday). Saturday was a little rough, and I felt run down and uncomfortable most of the day, and needed some meds to get through it, but the day was helped along by a Nebraska Cornhusker victory over Oklahoma which made the evening better...if you are a Husker fan, no commentary is necessary...if you are not...no commentary is needed.
I saw clients today and it is after 6PM and I still feel a bit of energy. That's good. My mouth has co-operated for the most part, and I drank two bottles of "Ensure" today which went down fairly easily, though still no taste. I tried one individual piece of Ziti pasta yesterday, but that was a failed experiment. It was too distasteful, and I couldn't bring myself to try another piece. I absolutely love anything pasta and marinara, and I don't want to associate it with a bad taste. I bought some Farina...but as yet, I am just looking at it and it back at me...neither of us is making the first move. I long for a little sweet taste and I might try some pudding or yogurt this week regardless. It could be months before taste buds kick start back into gear. Isn't it odd what can become such a big deal... whoever is reading this...give thanks for those little taste buds...you have taken them for granted all your life, haven't you? Shame on you! Right NOW...STOP...be grateful for the wonderful taste of food that you eat. We spent two hours watching the food channel last night...(Iron Chef). Ironic, but the food channel is my substitute for being able to enjoy food.
My schedule is filling up...I am limiting myself to three or four (max) clients a day, and that is working out. Tomorrow is my first day with four clients scheduled. I have to discipline myself not to exceed that limit for another month or so.
Now that I am feeling a little better, I may start posting a few poems and other thoughts again...when I was feeling my lousiest, everything that was once enjoyable became depressing.
I appreciate this good day.
I saw clients today and it is after 6PM and I still feel a bit of energy. That's good. My mouth has co-operated for the most part, and I drank two bottles of "Ensure" today which went down fairly easily, though still no taste. I tried one individual piece of Ziti pasta yesterday, but that was a failed experiment. It was too distasteful, and I couldn't bring myself to try another piece. I absolutely love anything pasta and marinara, and I don't want to associate it with a bad taste. I bought some Farina...but as yet, I am just looking at it and it back at me...neither of us is making the first move. I long for a little sweet taste and I might try some pudding or yogurt this week regardless. It could be months before taste buds kick start back into gear. Isn't it odd what can become such a big deal... whoever is reading this...give thanks for those little taste buds...you have taken them for granted all your life, haven't you? Shame on you! Right NOW...STOP...be grateful for the wonderful taste of food that you eat. We spent two hours watching the food channel last night...(Iron Chef). Ironic, but the food channel is my substitute for being able to enjoy food.
My schedule is filling up...I am limiting myself to three or four (max) clients a day, and that is working out. Tomorrow is my first day with four clients scheduled. I have to discipline myself not to exceed that limit for another month or so.
Now that I am feeling a little better, I may start posting a few poems and other thoughts again...when I was feeling my lousiest, everything that was once enjoyable became depressing.
I appreciate this good day.
Friday, November 6, 2009
checking in - OK, maybe a tincture better
Well, I have gotten a consistent message that maybe I am doing better than I am giving myself credit for, and that I need to recognize and appreciate how far I have already come. I guess that's true. I also need to allow the healing process to move at it's own pace, and not push it too far too fast. That's true, too. I really get frustrated at just how little energy I have...until one experiences it firsthand...it is hard to describe. I knew what it was to be worn out after a day of work or running around...but don't think for a minute that someone who is worn out from radiation treatment feels that way...I promise you, it is qualitatively different. I sometimes get disgusted with myself for my lack of faith and trust, and I know I am so much more at peace when I can leave things beyond my control in His hands and simply accept that this is where I am today, and that is how it is...and just rest in Him. As my body is slow to heal, so is my spirit and my emotions...I still have some depression I struggle with. I can feel it on the edges of my day...lurking there, even when I feel OK. Beautiful weather like we had today definitely helps, and keeping somewhat "busy" with working several hours each day makes a huge difference as well. I see that I do so much better when I get my mind off of my cancer and recovery. That creates a little bit of a problem with this blog...I am not sure yet how to resolve that. I woke up around 4AM this morning and had difficulty getting back to sleep...those are some of the most difficult times to get through, though, again, that is so much better than being awake and unable to sleep throughout an entire night. Oh, let's change the subject. If you read the comments yesterday, you know it was my birthday. It was low-key...and that is how I wanted it to be. I am going to have a piece of birthday cake as soon as I can enjoy one, and I am NOT going to wait a whole year...and I thank you all who remembered my birthday and wished me well. Being remembered really matters, whether it's a birthday, or just a small nod of affirmation. It's so much the little things, and the "little" things are often so grand and glorious.
OK, I am a tincture better today, and I thank God for that...onward!!!
OK, I am a tincture better today, and I thank God for that...onward!!!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
checking in - oy, can't it be a tincture better?
I think that for the last three days I have hit a plateau. Each day has been fairly good, but each evening I have worn down early. I saw clients again today, and that went well, again, (I give thanks for that) , but then I get home and I feel exhausted and physically shot. So my evenings (5:00-10:00PM) haven't been so hot. Since the previous week was a week of noticeable progress, it is a bit discouraging to just be standing still for the past three days and to feel lousy during the evenings...However, as I write this I realize I must keep this in perspective...so
Here is the good stuff:
I have been sleeping well.
I have been able to see clients.
I have not been physically sick to my stomach.
I still have Kathy and family support.
I believe God is still with me.
I have had more contact with friends, and that has been so uplifting.
I still get incredible encouragement from comments on this blog.
I have been able to drink a bottle of "boost" each day (just one).
I have been able to get out of the house to go to my office, stores, and for short walks.
Here is the not so good stuff
I am just barely maintaining weight and hydration...when I have a liquid can or bottle, I always feel worse for a while. I am barely able to get 1400 liquid calories down a day...I should be doing around 1800-2000. My weight has dropped from 162 pounds pretreatment to 139 pounds today.
I have an awful bad taste and have either bad saliva (or no saliva) in my mouth all the time, that I can't shake.
I get worn down and worn out very easily.
I still am needing a dose of hydrocodone each evening.
I have no taste buds, and it is still difficult (painful) to swallow.
There it is. I shouldn't complain as I am miles beyond where I was two weeks ago. When I think back on where I was a month ago, it is almost too painful to even imagine that I really went through all that.
I still want to and hope to and strive to (at times) live this word, and it doesn't sound as if I am doing a great job, just at this moment...
GRATITUDE
Here is the good stuff:
I have been sleeping well.
I have been able to see clients.
I have not been physically sick to my stomach.
I still have Kathy and family support.
I believe God is still with me.
I have had more contact with friends, and that has been so uplifting.
I still get incredible encouragement from comments on this blog.
I have been able to drink a bottle of "boost" each day (just one).
I have been able to get out of the house to go to my office, stores, and for short walks.
Here is the not so good stuff
I am just barely maintaining weight and hydration...when I have a liquid can or bottle, I always feel worse for a while. I am barely able to get 1400 liquid calories down a day...I should be doing around 1800-2000. My weight has dropped from 162 pounds pretreatment to 139 pounds today.
I have an awful bad taste and have either bad saliva (or no saliva) in my mouth all the time, that I can't shake.
I get worn down and worn out very easily.
I still am needing a dose of hydrocodone each evening.
I have no taste buds, and it is still difficult (painful) to swallow.
There it is. I shouldn't complain as I am miles beyond where I was two weeks ago. When I think back on where I was a month ago, it is almost too painful to even imagine that I really went through all that.
I still want to and hope to and strive to (at times) live this word, and it doesn't sound as if I am doing a great job, just at this moment...
GRATITUDE
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
checking in - hi ho, hi ho, part 2
Off to work I went...and it was a good, though surprisingly draining 6 hours...I wisely gave myself an hour between each of the three clients I had scheduled. It was great to get my thoughts and focus off myself, and I was so happy to be working with clients again. I say surprisingly draining, because I didn't think I would wear down sitting in a chair doing therapy...but, when the six hours were over, I was needing to get home and regroup.
A good day, and looking forward to repeating it tomorrow!
A good day, and looking forward to repeating it tomorrow!
checking in - hi ho, hi ho
it's off to work I go.
I can't believe how excited I am to return to work...not unlike how one feels after waiting months for a vacation to begin...it makes me realize just how important being productive is. I will have some difficulty with dry mouth, but otherwise, I think I will be OK seeing three clients today.
Yesterday was a really good day...I had a visit from some friends I used to work with at the Lincoln Regional Center, I spent an hour or two at the office doing some odds and ends, and had good energy. The weather was nice and I spent some time outside as well. A very good day.
I am drinking Boost for about half my meals, and yesterday, I was able to sip on water as well. The water tasted just like Boost, which tasted like nothing. But at least the unpleasant taste is diminishing. I long for the day some taste buds begin to show up on the scene.
Perhaps I will check in again to update my day later on this afternoon. That's it for now.
I can't believe how excited I am to return to work...not unlike how one feels after waiting months for a vacation to begin...it makes me realize just how important being productive is. I will have some difficulty with dry mouth, but otherwise, I think I will be OK seeing three clients today.
Yesterday was a really good day...I had a visit from some friends I used to work with at the Lincoln Regional Center, I spent an hour or two at the office doing some odds and ends, and had good energy. The weather was nice and I spent some time outside as well. A very good day.
I am drinking Boost for about half my meals, and yesterday, I was able to sip on water as well. The water tasted just like Boost, which tasted like nothing. But at least the unpleasant taste is diminishing. I long for the day some taste buds begin to show up on the scene.
Perhaps I will check in again to update my day later on this afternoon. That's it for now.
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