checking in - bottoming out and heading up

I must say, the last two days were like a two day nightmare. Yesterday, I felt more dead (how does that feel?... It feels just like I felt yesterday! ) than alive, and all systems were haywire. Terrible; everything that has been bad all happening at once. So, the good side to that was that I am considering that to me my "bottomed out" day. I slept periodically during the night, but nonetheless, slept. When I got out of bed, I felt better than yesterday, and I have a little more energy, less symptoms, and am more "with it." And why should not every day be a little better from here on out? I have no known reason to think things should get worse again...and since my body is not being exposed to chemo or radiation, why should it get worse? I am pleading with God that this be the case. Along with feeling so bad, I really felt depressed all day yesterday, like...feelings of hopelessness and helplessness type depressed... But, again, today, my spirits are lifted. I can walk from room to room without feeling like I am either going to pass out or be sick. So, when I say I have more energy, I can walk around the house (indoors) and feel no worse upon my arrival in one room than I did my departure from another.

I am feeling so grateful for these little gains today, and I am feeling like I can again look forward to each day henceforth as a day of increased recovery. I hope my renewed optimism is not unrealistic, and still I can't imagine yet the day coming when I will be able to drink or eat again, but it's coming. I remember not that long ago writing that each day does not predict the next, but that was in the midst of treatment...now, in the midst of healing, I am letting my hopes rest that the days will progressively get better, or at least not get worse again. Oh, may this be the case.

I couldn't face the blog yesterday, but was anxious to report today that I am feeling better. Thank you all for your encouragement and empathy. I'm feeling better today!

checking in - again, reality sets in

So as to not get too cocky about being "finished," with treatment, yesterday I was handed my worst day, physically, yet, and today has been rough. Yesterday, I could not keep any cans of liquid food down, and got sick a number of times during the day. Today is only a little better. I am coughing up bad stuff...and very weak. The oncologist warned me that this would be the worst week, even after treatment subsides, and I guess he was telling the truth. I just need for time to pass so that my body gets the message that the radiation has stopped...and the burning has stopped. Then, healing can begin; for now, I am feeling quite weak.

I woke up at 2:30AM and have been up since. Since I feel so poorly, that makes for a very long and slow day. I am still very happy about being done with radiation, but I guess, at some level, I wanted to believe that things would start getting better right away, and that is just not the case.

In a few days...I can't wait...the pain and nausea will subside; I just need to be patient with this suffering. I still have a voice, weak as it is, and I still have a life. Friday night...hmmn... I am ready for that to mean something again. I am on a hydrocodone "patch" that has me groggy, though, it's hard to tell how much of that grogginess is just lack of sleep, and how much is the drugs.

we are all disappointed...we are all waiting for this to get better...we are all tired of waiting.

checking in - a window full of acorns and pine cones

RADIATION DAY 35 OF 35!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PRAISE GOD!!!




YES, YES, I AM DONE WITH THAT INSANE TREATMENT.







Here are 4 pine cones, representing 4 days of radiation & chemo together
and 31 acorns, representing 31 days of radiation alone. 35 days that felt like 35 lifetimes.

What I was sure would never come to an end has just come to an end!

I am VERY happy about that (yes, you CAN be happy and miserable.)

I am miserable in my body...and the oncologist told me to expect no meaningful change for at least a week, and not much noticeable change during the second week, but week 3 of healing I should NOTICE a difference, and then make some rapid gains from then on out until the healing is complete. He told me it is not unrealistic to expect a total "cure," but the final PET scan is not done until January, and at that point, we will know for sure.

I am feeling such relief...now, I just need to keep everything going (meds, fluids, nutrition, rest). He wants me to start sipping on Boost...he said to take an extra dose of Hydrocodone,and then wait a half hour, and take a sip or two...maybe I will do that tomorrow...today, I am going to NOT do anything that causes more pain.

Thanks to all of you hanging in there with me. I will keep checking in, and, God willing, the posts will not be so miserable. There have been days that I hoped no one would read the blog because there were some really discouraging days when I just didn't feel like getting out of bed...but I wanted to be honest with what I was going through, and for the most part, I think I've done a reasonably decent job at that. There have been moments of tremendous gratitude and love as well, and there, too, I think I've done reasonably well reflecting that in what I have written. Now, it's time to spend the rest of the day relaxing and reminding myself that I don't have to go back to Omaha in the morning!

I was asked if I want to take home my radiation "Mask"...Kathy reminded me this is a "G" rated blog...so I can not say the exact words I used, but the answer roughly translated to..."no, thank you, I would like never to see that piece of equipment again."

the deepest thing - my song in the night

Here is the verse that has gotten me through this past seven weeks...at the core...the love and support of family and friends has been the deeper thing...and the knowledge of Him and His love and support has been the deepest thing. My strength and my heart...I love you all...and I love Him, my "heavenly Friend."

"...I have learned the secret of being well-fed and of going hungry, of having plenty and being in need. I can do all things through Him that strengthens me." Phil 4:13


Here is the song that will get me through the next 48 hours...read along, as the lyrics are provided. If you happen to be up around 3AM, listen carefully...if you hear it on the wind...I will be singing in my heart...

checking in- getting closer

radiation day 33 of 35

So day 33 didn't start out so well; I "fed" myself a can of liquid food (Jevity...like Boost)) at 7:00AM, got sick at 7:30AM, and had to leave for Omaha at 7:50AM. I've described before the particular horror of getting sick these days, so it was a lousy way to start the day. I was in pain, and really bummed. I was actually quite worried about getting sick again whilst my face was entrapped in it's radiation mask. But I got through that, slept on the drive home, and am trying to keep myself medicated and under control.

I am so ready for the next two days to be over. There's not many numbers left to crunch...two...one...done! Then, I will plan on no improvement for 4 days (I just picked a number), then, I want, hope, pray, that my salivary glands get some kind of message that the war is over, and they can stop manufacturing whatever it is that has replaced saliva and is making me so sick.

I have nothing scheduled but rest and recovery until November. I am planning to start next week with a walk around the block and sort of try to begin building back some strength. I don't really know what to expect...I talk with my oncologist again on Wednesday after my last treatment. I don't really know much of anything...my life has slowly come to a full stop.

So...tonight and tomorrow during the middle of the night, when I am awake and anxious...here will be my song...no...no...not here...I will put in on another "deeper things" post by itself.

I can't hardly believe I am this close to finishing radiation.