checking in - back at it

Like everyone else in eastern Nebraska, we were snowed in for a few days over Christmas, receiving in excess of a foot of snow (to add to the foot of snow from a few weeks earlier which barely began to melt). We had a very quiet day. I had a cold and it zapped my energy again. We saw family Saturday and Sunday, and that was nice. I think I am past the cold, and I saw clients today, and felt reasonably well. I find myself checking 10 day forecasts on the internet in hopes that we will warm up enough to melt some of the snow and drifts, but alas, no days above freezing in sight... I find I have become a wimp to cold and snowy weather. I guess I don't have the layer of fat to protect me that was there a year ago. Thank God we did not lose power, as a few neighborhoods did. I look out the window and see birds and squirrels...I do not know how these local birds survive Nebraska winters, but they do...

I am feeling slightly more energetic these last few days, and I hope that is a sign that my energy is starting to return. Now if only my salivary glands would wake up...

deeper than cancer - Rejoice

May God's love and presence surround us as we celebrate the birth of Jesus...may you have time to rejoice in His Love and Light and time to reflect on Him. Accept, love, forgive,be gentle with yourselves and everyone whose lives you touch...rejoice! I will strive to do likewise.

There is no perfection here, but we have Him, and we have each other...so...I'll rejoice and be glad. It's been a full year of all sorts of blessings and sorrows and pain and joy. But this is a season to be of good cheer and good will...

there is no time like right now...let's rejoice...OK?

I love you all, and wish you the most blessed and merry Christmas! Here is one of my favorite Christmas songs (for a number of reasons)...and I really like the way Enya sings it (especially the first half that is in English).

Merry Christmas...and Happy (belated) Chanukah!

checking in - mostly back on track

It has taken me another week to regain most of the (diminished) strength I had, but today I am feeling more energy and I will manage my day at the office without the need for napping. I don't know what hit me, but, I think it is behind me. What a relief. Unfortunately, I dropped another few pounds...I'll have to work on that this weekend. I was reluctant to write when I was in poor spirits, but I am feeling all around better now. Each day this week was a bit better than the previous.

I think I am coming to terms with the slowness of my recovery, and keep my expectations in check...of course, part of that process includes the recognition that there will be days I get discouraged...so I don't beat myself up too much for that. I continue to get positive reports from the oncologist, who says I am on track and need to keep pushing myself to expand my eating of food...I thought I would be more than ready to do that, but, as he reminds me...it is "rehabilitation" and thus will feel like work. All I know is that as much as I am sick of Ensure, food with texture still is unpleasant. I have some ideas for the weekend to experiment with.

I "know" more and more the reality of living this a day at a time. How many of us have said those words, and how few of us ever come remotely close to living it. I know I am closer, but still have a way to go. My anxiety comes when I start worrying about the future...my oncologist says I'll look back at this Christmas as the season of my healing and recovery...but for me...I will just strive to be present and be here today, Friday. That's what I've been handed.

PS...I do not know why certain words get highlighted and linked to other sites...I am sure it is a way for Google to increase their ad revenue...I haven't figured out if there is a way to stop that, but, believe me, as far as I know, I have no control over that. That just started happening.

checking in - a few steps forward

The blood tests all came back within normal limits which was a relief. My doctor thinks I perhaps had/have a bug. I am feeling better yesterday and today than I did last week, but not up to where I was before. I will see a few clients today, and see how it goes. I am feeling tired and run down, and I wont push it.

Thanks for your prayers...I thank God that I don't have another apparent seroius medical issue arising... God willing, I will continue to get stronger. Such a journey!

checking in - a turn for the worse

It's been a rough four days. Tuesday, I woke up feeling quite weak and a bit nauseated. It was also the day of a blizzard that left us buried under an excess of a foot of snow. Schools were closed for three straight days, something I don't remember happening before. Wednesday I was feeling a bit worse, and had trouble getting any food or water down. Thursday, Kathy took me to my GP in Lincoln, who ordered numerous blood tests. Unfortunately, it appears that the results wont be in until Monday (It's Friday afternoon and the Doctor's office closes in an hour and the results aren't back yet... unbelievable). I don't know what's wrong with me...possibly dehydration, possibly a thyroid issue... but I've done little more than lie in bed for four days and I had to cancel all my clients...I am weak and shaky and cold...how discouraging! I was beginning to eat some real food, and now I am back to using the feeding tube. Most of the day, I don't feel the energy to get from the couch to the bed.

I appreciate your prayers. I will post as soon as I know something further.

checking in- snap, crackle and pop

Today, I surprised myself and ate a (small) bowl of Rice Krispies for breakfast. It actually tasted a bit like Rice Krispies, and the small cup of tomato soup I had for lunch actually tasted a bit like tomato soup. I have enjoyed both these items very much in the past; when I was 12, I discovered that there was no legal prohibition against eating cereal at times of the day other than breakfast; one could also eat cereal for a late night snack. I believe it was Rice Krispies that provided my first late night bowl of cereal. I will take my small victory as a sign of better days ahead. Very cold and snowy today...the cold really chills me to the bone. For you non-Nebraskans (everyone in Nebraska would know this) last night the Cornhuskers lost a heartbreaking nearly huge upset to third ranked Texas in the Big 12 championship game...Nebraska had the lead with 00.01 left on the game clock, and the last second actually ticked off on the TV shown clock, but the second was restored to the clock and Texas kicked a winning field goal....owwwwww....too painful...but at least Nebraska, with its incredible defense, played with Texas throughout the game and kept it neck and neck. For you Texas readers (there are 2 or 3 of you ...thank you for reading...my silent encouragers...it has meant a lot to me) congratulations...and good luck in the national title game.

In honor of my success at breakfast, here is a classic Rice Krispies ad from the 60's

checking in - 101 posts

That's right...this is my 101st post...I think I hit a wall with #100...suddenly, this past week, I had a hard time with "checking in." I saw 4 clients a day, and did not feel much energy to do much of anything else. I am into my 8th week post treatment, but the enrgy just seems to be at a standstill. I know I need to up the intake of calories and push myself to begin eating some more food, but the motivation is not strong. Still no appetite and only the faintest taste. Food with texture (i.e. all food) is basically aversive. I hope to at least start eating more soup, but after one success with a bowl of cream of chicken, I have not ventured back...just a few more bites of jello.

I have also been almost continuously cold. No matter how high I set the thermostat, I feel cold. Today the outdoor temp was in the teens when I drove to my office, and I never had such a negative feeling about living in Nebraska...I think...how am I going to get through three more months of winter? It's actually been quite mild for Nebraska until this week, and we have been spared snow. But cold is cold. I think I am going to start annoying my clients with my electric room heater...they say "it feels good in here" when they fist walk in from the outdoor cold, but I have a feeling they start to wonder why the office is around 80 degrees after awhile. I am sure the winter is getting to me because I am not burning enough calories, and I think the circulation to my hands and feet might have been effected by treatment.

I had an appointment with the ENT doc who will read the PET scan and give me the results. We set a date of January 19 for that to happen. He told me that the radiation is continuing to work for about 12 weeks, so they want to let it get it's full effect before the final scan. So about 6 weeks from now, I will finally find out if treatment "cured" me or not. From the informal examination he did, he saw and felt no sign of the tumor, and seemed optimistic, but the telling exam is yet to come.

I have been no fun to live with. My mood is usually as drab as I feel. I just watch TV on the couch, prefering to have as close to zero activity as possible after 5PM.

I am definitely continuing with this blog at least until I get the final results in January, so be patient with me...I may not be posting as frequently as I have in the past, but I will keep updating, and I'd love to be able to write some positive news. I AM certainly further along in recovery, when I consider the big picture, and the worst is behind me, but as I wrote last time, day to day, not much changes. For now...for me...

...but not forever!