Deeper things - surrender

Today, sorta rough...nausea and stomach pain...the oncologist said, I'd likely sail through the first round of chemo and the first few weeks of radiation. If this is sailing...I am prone to sea sickness! Yuch.

But I was thinking as I was lying in bed about the concept of surrender...in many contexts...there's of course, the ultimate surrender of one's life and will to God, and there is also the daily surrender (thank you 3rd step) and there is a daily decision in this process for me to surrender to despair or some type of deeper, and more meaningful and dignified surrender to whatever suffering is handed to me.

And this poem... the most difficult I have posted....I have been pondering for several years after it was given to me by a student at a local private university where I consulted at the Student Counseling Office...it was her favorite poem...when I was 19, my favorite poem was a Dylan song...not something so complex...but here we go...

There is surrendering in one's "captivity" in suffering, that is liberating.

What Are Years?

What is our innocence,
what is our guilt? All are
naked, none is safe. And whence
is courage: the unanswered question,
the resolute doubt, -
dumbly calling, deafly listening-that
in misfortune, even death,
encourage others
and in it's defeat, stirs

the soul to be strong? He
sees deep and is glad, who
accedes to mortality
and in his imprisonment rises
upon himself as
the sea in a chasm, struggling to be
free and unable to be,
in its surrendering
finds its continuing.

So he who strongly feels,
behaves. The very bird,
grown taller as he sings, steels
his form straight up. Though he is captive,
his mighty singing
says, satisfaction is a lowly
thing, how pure a thing is joy.
This is mortality,
this is eternity.


Marianne Moore

Deeper things- can you be happy and miserable?

For me, as yet, no. Last evening I felt miserable, as miserable as yet I've known...generally bad from head to toe, with certain stopping points in between expressing their displeasure with more strength of conviction. But, today, after a good night sleep, I feel a little less miserable, and I was worried that this would be the day chemo would really do its delayed number. So...here's my lesson for today: One doesn't need to feel well to feel happy, one just needs to feel less miserable to let some happiness flow back in. In my life I have generally felt well throughout years 1-57, so, I have only limited knowledge of this kind of happiness. Another good day, is just, well, another good day in a string of so many. It is no big cause to celebrate...but today...I feel weak, but not nauseated and not in any stomach pain...the antibiotic may be helping in that regard... today, I will enjoy living life here, and maybe even let a little happiness seep in....here's my celebration poem!!!! ENJOY!!!! (Another Naomi Shihab Nye masterpiece)

So Much Happiness

It is difficult to know what to do with so much happiness.
With sadness there is something to rub against,
A wound to tend with lotion and cloth.
When the world falls in around you, you have pieces to pick up,
Something to hold in your hands, like ticket stubs or change.

But happiness floats.
It doesn’t need you to hold it down.
It doesn’t need anything.
Happiness lands on the roof of the next house, singing,
And disappears when it wants to.
You are happy either way.
Even the fact that you once lived in a peaceful tree house
And now live over a quarry of noise and dust
Cannot make you unhappy.
Everything has a life of its own,
It too could wake up filled with possibilities
Of coffee cake and ripe peaches,
And love even the floor which needs to be swept,
The soiled linens and scratched records….

Since there is no place large enough
To contain so much happiness,
You shrug, you raise your hands, and it flows out of you
Into everything you touch. You are not responsible.
You take no credit, as the night sky takes no credit
For the moon, but continues to hold it, and to share it,
And in that way, be known.

~ Naomi Shihab Nye ~

deeper things - He knows, He knows

Today was day 3 radiation, and NO chemo...and a brief meeting with Dr. Ward (remember, Eddie Haskell, but nicer...) about the feeding tube infection.

Well, just as I finally began to look forward to my once nightly time with Psalm 23, and blogged about that, God has rewarded me with a second flushing each day as a result of the infection...and a double dose of antibiotics...The second flushing will allow for a double dose of the Psalms, as well. I have decided to peruse the whole book of Psalms (1-150 straight through) before this journey is over. I'll still kept the beloved Psalm 23 for my daily second "flush," but the first one will go one by one or two by two depending on the time I have each day. I sense the Lord is saying...stay with Me in Psalms...they'll be time for the rest of the OT and NT at other times and other places in this journey. But here's where we will meet and dwell together for the time being...

I am needing the nausea meds already, and I am going to see four clients this afternoon... we will see how that goes...then the weekend off to rest up for the journey next week. Hey, after next week it's a 3 day weekend, and only a 4 day radiation week to follow (we all so need rest from our labor).

checking in - same as it ever was

Day two was essentially a rerun of day one... radiation for the appetizer and chemotherapy for the main dish...with just a little spice added with the apparent infection from the feeding tube...I see that Doc tomorrow after radiation. A variety of nausea pills for dessert. Enough, of the details, man, just another long day.

Here's the thing...in two days...it seems like I've lived this day over and over my whole life...why does that not happen when one is on a vacation to a pleasant village or coast or continent...then...one says this after the week vacation is coming to an end..."I finally feel like I am just starting to unwind, and we have to go home tomorrow." Let me tell you, it only takes 2 days of this to feel like I've been on this visit here for years.

Through a variety of e-mails and posts...the correct statement from yesterday's post was "I was "lying" on a metal table...not "laying" on a metal table...apparently most everyone above the third grade in this country knew that but me. And the feedback was 100 percent consistent in this correction. By the way...one of the anti-nausea meds is a steroid...so we were told that irritability and sleep problems for the next few days can be expected...there...I finally have a good excuse. Our cat is hiding under the bed for the time being. And if I wind up at a Gym pumping iron at 3:00AM...move over Barry Bonds!

Here's an amazing thing....I am looking forward to my evening visit with Psalm 23...it's just an hour or so away...I will linger in that green pasture as long as I need for some real refreshment...and the short detour of irrigating that nasty feeding tube wont hardly be noticed! I'm sure this is something I will need to remind myself three weeks from now, when I might be relying on that tube for most of my nutrition, but today...I will live here...and let myself soak it all in.

2 treatment days down...33 treatment days to go.