My soul is satisfied as with a rich feast,
and my mouth praises you with joyful lips
when I think of you on my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
for you have been my help,
and in the shadow of your wings I sing for joy.
My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.
----- Psalm 63:5-8
I woke up today around 5:30...my first thought was...hey...I slept! I last remember reading around 11PM, and I didn’t remember waking up at all during the night, though that seems unlikely. I took a few hours to lie in bed before getting up at 8:00. I started thinking about, what else...food...but then my thoughts drifted toward things other than eating...I started thinking about God and all I am grateful to Him for. Having a few hours (often more) in bed to think over the course of each night has become a daily ritual. I think, pray, read, but mostly I just think. Since I wont be eating for awhile, I thought about creating a different sort of meal...I had this idea this morning that each day I have an opportunity to create a kind of soul-meal...completely unique, completely new... each day...a gratitude "stew" for the soul...adding ingredients throughout the day, letting it all sort of simmer and send up a beautiful aroma.
There was a time I would have thought getting up at 5:30AM on a Saturday morning was robbery...of sleep. Now, it felt like a gift...of sleep! Same event, different perspective.
I also woke up with minimal pain...add that right away to the stew, as it will only last a short while.
No trip to Omaha today...instead...I can open the window shade and watch the beautiful sight of the sunrise (somewhere under the clouds) on the season’s first October snow (an inch or so) fresh on the pine trees and fence posts. Right in you go, beautiful morning.
Today friends Jeff and Lina are getting married...actually, as I type this they likely just finished the ceremony and are now heading to the reception...I don't have it in me to make it ... but I am happy that Kathy is going...they are a great couple and they will have a great life together...all the best, friends!!! Somehow, you have found your way into the stew....I think the metaphor is starting to break down, now that people are floating amongst the veggies, snow, sunrise, and a good night sleep.
Here is a poem I love.. it captures the small things that (if we allow ourselves this vulnerability) daily, we can fall in love with.
Aimless Love
This morning as I walked along the lakeshore,
I fell in love with a wren
and later in the day with a mouse
the cat had dropped under the dining room table.
In the shadows of an autumn evening,
I fell for a seamstress
still at her machine in the tailor’s window,
and later for a bowl of broth,
steam rising like smoke from a naval battle.
This is the best kind of love, I thought,
without recompense, without gifts,
or unkind words, without suspicion,
or silence on the telephone.
The love of the chestnut,
the jazz cap and one hand on the wheel.
No lust, no slam of the door –
the love of the miniature orange tree,
the clean white shirt, the hot evening shower,
the highway that cuts across Florida.
No waiting, no huffiness, or rancor –
just a twinge every now and then
for the wren who had built her nest
on a low branch overhanging the water
and for the dead mouse,
still dressed in its light brown suit.
But my heart is always propped up
in a field on its tripod,
ready for the next arrow.
After I carried the mouse by the tail
to a pile of leaves in the woods,
I found myself standing at the bathroom sink
gazing down affectionately at the soap,
so patient and soluble,
so at home in its pale green soap dish.
I could feel myself falling again
as I felt its turning in my wet hands
and caught the scent of lavender and stone.
~ Billy Collins ~
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
checking in - seeing some light
Radiation day 32 of 35
I am beginning to think I am going to get through this, and no matter how miserable I may feel, it is just today; the light looming ahead is huge. Actually, I think I am coping with the misery pretty well today. No trips to Omaha until Monday, and then, only three more days of radiation. Wow. I am trying to keep my meds ahead of the pain, and it's been a bit better in that regard.
It was a fun football game last evening (at least the fourth quarter) and the night before, a fun Nebraska volleyball game was televised. And we are in baseball playoff season...our team (the Cubs) will have to wait another year. We are going to root for the Twins. Of course, I am also coming to the realization that I probably will never play professional baseball. Actually, truth be told, my present illness is just an excuse...I probably wouldn't have made the pros even if I had stayed healthy...you don't see many 57 year old Rookies these days. But...I can still wonder...what if....
I remember playing softball on the street in front of my house growing up with some kids from the neighborhood: Arthur, Bob, Glenn, Jimmy, Ralph and myself. NO one had ever hit the ball over the top telephone wire straightaway center (which, by the way, straightaway center is about the extent of the field when you play on the street.) The street also was the entrance to the Wantagh Parkway, which took people to Jones Beach and the ocean....which meant about one pitch and then three cars passed before one could throw the next pitch, but we would play for hours. Well, this particular day, I was standing in the outfield, and Arthur finally did it...he connected like Mickey Mantle, and launched a high fly ball well over the top phone wire...which meant it carried on a fly into the woods next to the Parkway entrance...I ran into the woods with my back to Home Plate (a piece of cardboard) and with my glove extended out in front of me...(to keep from running into trees) I blindly ran to where I thought the ball would come down...and Voila...pure luck...the ball came down through the trees and landed in my glove as if it were done with magnets and special effects. I thought Arthur might come after me with the bat. But secretly, years later, I saw a tape of Willie Mays making the same catch, but he didn't have to deal with trees in the outfield. By then, though, I realized I was going to play second base on the Mets, so I wasn't all that excited. Of course, I never played Little League, or school sports, so my life as a Major League ballplayer was pure fantasy. Replaced a few years later, by my realization that I was going to be the next Bob Dylan. I didn't know how I would pull off two careers of such fame and notoriety, but...I could do concerts in the off season, and play for the Mets and record studio albums during the regular season.
When Bob Dylan became a Christian in late 80's or early 90's...I realized...after all these years, wouldn't you know it, he was trying to steal my life!!!
I am feeling grateful again, and marching...well, at least crawling...toward the finish line.
I am beginning to think I am going to get through this, and no matter how miserable I may feel, it is just today; the light looming ahead is huge. Actually, I think I am coping with the misery pretty well today. No trips to Omaha until Monday, and then, only three more days of radiation. Wow. I am trying to keep my meds ahead of the pain, and it's been a bit better in that regard.
It was a fun football game last evening (at least the fourth quarter) and the night before, a fun Nebraska volleyball game was televised. And we are in baseball playoff season...our team (the Cubs) will have to wait another year. We are going to root for the Twins. Of course, I am also coming to the realization that I probably will never play professional baseball. Actually, truth be told, my present illness is just an excuse...I probably wouldn't have made the pros even if I had stayed healthy...you don't see many 57 year old Rookies these days. But...I can still wonder...what if....
I remember playing softball on the street in front of my house growing up with some kids from the neighborhood: Arthur, Bob, Glenn, Jimmy, Ralph and myself. NO one had ever hit the ball over the top telephone wire straightaway center (which, by the way, straightaway center is about the extent of the field when you play on the street.) The street also was the entrance to the Wantagh Parkway, which took people to Jones Beach and the ocean....which meant about one pitch and then three cars passed before one could throw the next pitch, but we would play for hours. Well, this particular day, I was standing in the outfield, and Arthur finally did it...he connected like Mickey Mantle, and launched a high fly ball well over the top phone wire...which meant it carried on a fly into the woods next to the Parkway entrance...I ran into the woods with my back to Home Plate (a piece of cardboard) and with my glove extended out in front of me...(to keep from running into trees) I blindly ran to where I thought the ball would come down...and Voila...pure luck...the ball came down through the trees and landed in my glove as if it were done with magnets and special effects. I thought Arthur might come after me with the bat. But secretly, years later, I saw a tape of Willie Mays making the same catch, but he didn't have to deal with trees in the outfield. By then, though, I realized I was going to play second base on the Mets, so I wasn't all that excited. Of course, I never played Little League, or school sports, so my life as a Major League ballplayer was pure fantasy. Replaced a few years later, by my realization that I was going to be the next Bob Dylan. I didn't know how I would pull off two careers of such fame and notoriety, but...I could do concerts in the off season, and play for the Mets and record studio albums during the regular season.
When Bob Dylan became a Christian in late 80's or early 90's...I realized...after all these years, wouldn't you know it, he was trying to steal my life!!!
I am feeling grateful again, and marching...well, at least crawling...toward the finish line.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
checking in - you KNOW you're tired when...
Radiation day 31 of 35
...you fall asleep standing up while brushing your teeth.
Yes, a new lesson learned. The last pill I could take orally was Ambian...a sleeping pill. It was small, but swallowing it has become very painful, so I stopped taking it orally. We got a pill crusher and mixed it with a little water, and I shot it into my stomach. The lesson learned is that that needs to be the very last thing one does for the evening. I, on the other hand, decided to take the sleeping pill before brushing my teeth. I then went into our bathroom, and apparently (I have no recall), Kathy, who was also getting ready for bed, looked over at me and I was asleep with the toothbrush in my mouth, standing in front of the sink, drooling like a baby. I had no idea that one could actually fall asleep standing up, and pretty much stay asleep as I was helped into bed.
So, that about sums it up. Pain and fatigue. It will be a long weekend. But it will be the last weekend, on this side of radiation. Then, praise God, three more days next week and I move into the next phase of the journey. I don't have good days anymore, but occasionally, I have a good hour. And, every good hour means another hour less of this left. I don't think I have any good ideas anymore either, so these posts are becoming repetitive and boring. I feel like apologizing. I know that is silly.
I am really quite sick and fed up with all this, if you know what I mean. Enough is enough. Yes, I know, just a few more days. Self-pity is soaring today to hights of grandeur. I think it might be at record levels. Call Guiness. This may be my way into that book (I thought I might be able to set the record for eating the most Marshmallow Peeps in an hour, but this would be a sure thing.)
Nebraska football tonight...I'll watch and try to lose myself in the game. Sitting down.
...you fall asleep standing up while brushing your teeth.
Yes, a new lesson learned. The last pill I could take orally was Ambian...a sleeping pill. It was small, but swallowing it has become very painful, so I stopped taking it orally. We got a pill crusher and mixed it with a little water, and I shot it into my stomach. The lesson learned is that that needs to be the very last thing one does for the evening. I, on the other hand, decided to take the sleeping pill before brushing my teeth. I then went into our bathroom, and apparently (I have no recall), Kathy, who was also getting ready for bed, looked over at me and I was asleep with the toothbrush in my mouth, standing in front of the sink, drooling like a baby. I had no idea that one could actually fall asleep standing up, and pretty much stay asleep as I was helped into bed.
So, that about sums it up. Pain and fatigue. It will be a long weekend. But it will be the last weekend, on this side of radiation. Then, praise God, three more days next week and I move into the next phase of the journey. I don't have good days anymore, but occasionally, I have a good hour. And, every good hour means another hour less of this left. I don't think I have any good ideas anymore either, so these posts are becoming repetitive and boring. I feel like apologizing. I know that is silly.
I am really quite sick and fed up with all this, if you know what I mean. Enough is enough. Yes, I know, just a few more days. Self-pity is soaring today to hights of grandeur. I think it might be at record levels. Call Guiness. This may be my way into that book (I thought I might be able to set the record for eating the most Marshmallow Peeps in an hour, but this would be a sure thing.)
Nebraska football tonight...I'll watch and try to lose myself in the game. Sitting down.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
checking in - more meds
radiation day 30 of 35
Finally, I can say...ONE MORE WEEK...then, though the burning will persist, no new damage will be inflicted, and healing will be a slow steady process. The oncologist upped all my meds, including adding a "patch" of narcotic, which will be upped to 2 or 3 patches worn simultaneously. Not to replace the hydrocodone, but to add to it. He also had several suggestions to make this week more bearable. It is a full time job just keeping all the meds straight and getting hydration accomplished. Kathy has written out a complete schedule.
I am fairly well miserable...again, today. The oncologist stated I am one step beyond the normal level of beaten up at this point, though, he said, that could be worse...two or three steps beyond, and they consider hospitalization. It looks like I will get through this without requiring that. I will take all the meds they want me to take; I am beyond protest, and I look forward to my next dose of hydrocodone like it's a banana split.
Good friendly comfort food list..any more? Looks like a lot of people pick ice cream. I'll stick with my bagel, or as Ann said, a piece of Pizza, and I agree... even bad Pizza beats about anything else.
Finally, I can say...ONE MORE WEEK...then, though the burning will persist, no new damage will be inflicted, and healing will be a slow steady process. The oncologist upped all my meds, including adding a "patch" of narcotic, which will be upped to 2 or 3 patches worn simultaneously. Not to replace the hydrocodone, but to add to it. He also had several suggestions to make this week more bearable. It is a full time job just keeping all the meds straight and getting hydration accomplished. Kathy has written out a complete schedule.
I am fairly well miserable...again, today. The oncologist stated I am one step beyond the normal level of beaten up at this point, though, he said, that could be worse...two or three steps beyond, and they consider hospitalization. It looks like I will get through this without requiring that. I will take all the meds they want me to take; I am beyond protest, and I look forward to my next dose of hydrocodone like it's a banana split.
Good friendly comfort food list..any more? Looks like a lot of people pick ice cream. I'll stick with my bagel, or as Ann said, a piece of Pizza, and I agree... even bad Pizza beats about anything else.
Monday, October 5, 2009
checking in - four hour rides
Radiation day 28 of 35
Seven more days of radiation...next Wednesday!
My days and nights are now being experienced in blocks of four hour roller coaster rides. I take hydrocodone, the next 3 hours are manageable, then I start feeling my throat and tongue pain, then the unbelievable dry mouth starts to bother me, then I wait till the 4 hours are up and get my next dose. Then I wait a few minutes, and start feeling better. I swallow as little as possible; and it is horribly painful when I do. I think I got the food talk out of my system yesterday, so I won't blather on that again, though I still would like to hear what people consider their best food friend. Just a short entry today.
Seven more days of radiation...next Wednesday!
My days and nights are now being experienced in blocks of four hour roller coaster rides. I take hydrocodone, the next 3 hours are manageable, then I start feeling my throat and tongue pain, then the unbelievable dry mouth starts to bother me, then I wait till the 4 hours are up and get my next dose. Then I wait a few minutes, and start feeling better. I swallow as little as possible; and it is horribly painful when I do. I think I got the food talk out of my system yesterday, so I won't blather on that again, though I still would like to hear what people consider their best food friend. Just a short entry today.
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