checking in - a walk around the lake

I woke up quite early this morning and drove out to a nearby lake and took what I considered a brisk paced walk around it's 2.5 mile circumference. It was one of those perfect mornings, around 70 degrees and very calm. Birds, ducks, frogs, water and trees. So nice. I say "a brisk pace" yet I was passed by several joggers and two women walking...I can't figure out how some people walk so fast. They weren't "power walking," they were simply walking and talking with no apparent effort and they passed me like I was standing still. As soon as they passed, I tried to match their pace by watching and walking in sync with their steps... it couldn't be done... It's a mystery to me how some humans can walk so fast and it seems so natural.

Here are two ideas that I am considering for the next twelve months:

1. Arrange a slow race ...called a "mindful mile." There will be no winner, the race is an un-race....the goal of which is to walk VERY slowly, silently and mindfully for one mile. Everyone who enters gets a very, very cool mindful mile T-shirt, and the entrance fees (after the cost of the T-shirts) go to charity (perhaps a children's cancer charity?). I'll have to find someone to design a very cool to die for t-shirt.

2. Celebrate 12 birthdays in the next year...just a thought...I was too miserable to celebrate my birthday last year in November, and who knows how many trips around the sun I have left. Why be stingy? Since my birthday is on the 5th of the month and since July marks one year since my diagnosis, I am thinking of beginning in July. On second thought... July 5th is already a holiday as the 4th falls on a Sunday. No point doubling up on a holiday. I will start in August. I will take the 5th of every month off from work, and plan some birthday adventure. How much fun is that??? Oh, I will love it. Give me one good reason why not? I will so look forward to my adventures. The only thing in common will be that each monthly birthday will include one large piece of cake (or pie) to celebrate. Some adventures might be alone (I am thinking one adventure would be to spend one full day from sunrise to sunset at a Monastery in silent reflection) some might be with Kathy, some might be with whoever cares to join in... mmm...another adventure could involve driving early morning to Kansas City for a great BBQ lunch/dinner, followed by a walk through some neat neighborhood and birthday cake at some KC bakery and driving back to Lincoln at night. And...I'd like to have a birthday adventure serving others in some meaningful capacity that is totally new for me. And a birthday adventure where I learn something completely new, like a private lesson by an expert in calligraphy or playing an Indian flute, or origami, and then spend the rest of the day practicing. This idea to plan a birthday adventure on the 5th of every month occurred to me around 11PM last evening and I had the most difficult time getting to sleep because I kept thinking about different adventures I could plan. Some were wild and crazy and dangerous, so I best slow down and reflect a little before commenting any more. Otherwise, I might regret my words...I can just see myself standing down at the railyard trying to hop a freight train and cursing myself for ever having this adventure idea...

And finally...a quote for the day...

"Sometimes the truth depends upon a walk around the lake."
Wallace Stevens

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...can't you see the sunrise on the water?

deeper things - wanting more

Even this far along in my recovery, I fight with a desire for "more." I want to enjoy food as much as I used to, I want the energy that I had a year ago, I want to live oblivious to my health. When I am in this "wanting more" mode, I forget all the progress I have made, and I measure myself by the yardstick of what I don't have. I read a poem today that captured it for me.

But the mind always
wants more than it has -
one more bright day of sun,
one more clear night in bed
with the moon; one more hour
to get the words right; one
more chance for the heart in hiding
to emerge from its thicket
in dried grasses - as if this quiet day
with its tentative light weren't enough,
as if joy weren't strewn all around.
- Holly Hughes
from Mind Wanting More

Well, one doesn't have to be a cancer survivor to live in a state of wanting more.

Here, though, is the amazing thing..."this quiet day with its tentative light" is absolutely and perfectly enough. And the poet is right...there is joy strewn all around. And all I have to do is change my perspective one half a turn and I realize I'm blessed with this ordinary Tuesday.

Isn't it something that joy makes itself available to us, even when we've neglected it for long periods of time!

Hey, here is my plan. I am going to take all the things that I don't have, along with all the things I want more of, and put them up on the top shelf in an old storage cabinet in my garage. There is some room right next to a large heap marked "painful memories I got tired of visiting." Since I already avoid that cabinet at all costs (rather than face the task of cleaning it out), I will almost never encounter the stuff that I don't have. It will simply collect dust. At some point in the future, I will realize I have no use for any of it anyway, and put everything from that shelf out at the curb on Monday morning for the garbage man to haul away. And I wont miss it at all!

deeper things - musical interlude -

Winding down...the last video I posted was a video from a "poetry slam." I am greatly impressed by the talent that writing and performing a poetry slam requires. Here is one of the best I have heard. It's a poem about Beethoven. If after hearing it (or instead of hearing it)...you care to listen to a snippet of Beethoven, I have also included a video of a recording of a movement from the 9th Symphony. If music is capable of eliciting powerful emotion, and we know that it is...I contend that there has never been a more powerful piece of music written than Beethoven's 9th symphony. Of course, as in my enjoyment of poetry, I have no real formal music background; I just love Beethoven's 9th. Ode to joy!!!! Can anything top that? Just listen to this guy's poem about Beethovan, and then listen to a performance of Beethoven himself. What magic, what music! Go ahead...listen...you can hear them both in about 10 minutes...there is nothing on TV right now anyway! Oh, listen... you can hear tears, you can hear laughter...I don't know anything, but the poem and the music inspire me...happy day...happy summer! To hear a good symphony orchestra play the complete 9th symphony, sitting with eyes closed and heart open...one feels transported to heaven!

Deeper things - GOD DOESN'T WASTE PAIN

The title of this post reflects one of the most profound statements I have encountered. I would like to claim it as my own original thought, but, truth be told, I heard it from a friend I met when I was consulting a few years ago at a local private college. Jackie, a senior at this college, had lost her boyfriend (fiance?), a fellow college student who died suddenly after collapsing during a pick-up basketball game with a couple of other students. He had an undiagnosed heart defect which led to his heart attack. The entire college was stunned with the loss of this gentle, loving, compassionate, godly and popular student, though, obviously, none more deeply than Jackie. When I recently heard Jackie say "God doesn't waste pain," it was as if God Himself were tapping me on the shoulder and saying, "...get it?"

God doesn't waste pain.

Oh, how that has helped me make sense out of Romans 8:28 ("...all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose"). How that statement has helped me make sense of my own ordeal with cancer!

What amazing lessons God has taught me through this cancer journey. Sometimes, as I was walking through "the valley of the shadow of death" my vision was clouded by despair and pain. Sometimes it was clouded by fear. Sometimes it still is. But more strongly than ever, I can say, "thou art with me" and mean it.

Since, God willing, I am winding this blog down (July 31 will mark one year since I started this blog, and a fitting time to bring it to a close), I have been reflecting on a few of the entries that meant the most to me. The entry from August 2009, entitled "Six Amazing Words" was one of them. Of course, you faithful readers remember, but for the one or two who don't, the six amazing words were "Your love is better than life" from Psalm 63. The verse came to me loudly and clearly as I was driving to pick up some Chinese food a week after being diagnosed with cancer. At that time, the edge of anxiety and the thought about the possibility that my own life could succumb to cancer was just starting to make it's way into my brain. The verse from Psalm 63, one that I was not really aware that I had memorized, was a soothing balm.

So, here are four amazing words...not a verse from scripture, but I believe words that could have come from the very heart of God...

God doesn't waste pain.

In love, He uses it to bring forth something new and awesome...

Did not Jesus, Himself, for the joy set before Him, endure the cross...?

deeper things - poetry slam - wake up!

Gabrielle Bouliane died less than two months after this poetry slam performance (she died toward the end of January 2010). She was dying while I was reviving from my chemo and radiation which was completed in October 2009...it could just as easily have been the reverse. My time (and yours) will be here any day now... This is her heart. Wow... and I complain about not having saliva or being able to eat dry foods or having low energy? Take this and let it permeate your heart. So... remind me... what is it that is stopping us from doing what we need to do and saying what we need to say that will add meaning and value to our lives NOW? Give it some thought.