People who go through ordeals often come out with the thought "I am stronger" having survived the ordeal. You know, the idea that "if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger", or how about "only the strong survive" etc. Let me tell you, I do not suffer that delusion. I am more convinced than ever that I am a world class weak person.
Everything positive I have said in the last few posts is absolutely true. I am blessed and grateful for where I am and how far I have come in my recovery. In every way. I really am joyful about today. Yet, at the same time, in every way...I am weak. Also, absolutely true is the following:
Physically...I have emerged from this ordeal frail, fragile, vulnerable.
Emotionally...I am prone to depression, anxiety, fearfulness.
Spiritually...I am given to doubts, feelings of being abandoned by God, lacking in spiritual discipline.
Gee...take me away...I'm unfit.
I'm often such a disappointment to myself. I can add a few more gems...I am by nature fairly lazy, I'm not a fighter, and look to take comfort in...in comfort. I have a Masters Degree in the art of being a couch potato, and a Ph.D. in procrastination. I can be self-preoccupied and lacking in empathy.
Listen...I am not just beating myself up. I am weak.
So...what kind of lesson is this to learn? That I am a slug? No...but since I am no longer all that effective in hiding my vulnerabilities (they are just too visible) there are some lessons I am learning about weakness.
Lesson one: The weak can survive an ordeal also. Sometimes, a flickering flame endures in ways mysterious while a torch burns itself out.
Lesson two: Hiding vulnerabilities only goes so far...eventually it's a losing battle.
Lesson three: If I don't get too self-absorbed and hung up on being weak, there is still lots of love to receive...and, more importantly...to give. It is not so necessary to hide behind a wall of self-protection. Of course...I still do, and often. I should not have called these "lessons learned" but rather, "lessons I am learning." I still retreat to my ruts of old, yet, I am improving at being able to gently nudge myself out as well. I do not think I am so self-pitying anymore.
Lesson four: In some small way the light of this truth is starting to emerge...As I lean on and surrender to my God, His strength suffices. I have become more aware of just how hopelessly weak I ultimately am when I resort to relying on myself. What is becoming clearer to me is the fragility of my own strength and the permanence of His. I experience this in my frailty, not in my strength. I consider, wonder, and am in awe of the magnificence of the following:
He gives power to the weak. He increases the strength of him who has no might. Isaiah 40:29
He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Most gladly therefore I will rather glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest on me. Therefore I take pleasure in weaknesses, in injuries, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then am I strong. 2Cor 12:9-10
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I will merely say, 'thanks again.'
ReplyDeleteI almost didn't check your blog since I'd pumped myself up thinking I had "your posting rhythm" down... and this would've been too soon. But I did. And here you are. I find solace in your truthfulness and vulnerability. And sadness, too. In the Chron (sfgate.com) today is a farewell article about a young woman in hospice, age 28, dying of a rare cancer. And in between being told just how darn cheery and courageous I am, I realize that I am afraid to die soon. So perhaps we can have a "let's be real" buddy pact, go for a soft-frozen yogurt (don't tell my vegan friends) and say.... Jesus, in You I have my strength no matter WHAT.
ReplyDeleteOh hell, let's make it a chocolate mousse torte. For you, with milk!
Thanks, Steve. Weakness...surrender....God's sufficiency; sometimes it sounds like such a serene process- but more often than not it is the way of pain, sorrow and deep suffering. As you have described, it seems more like surrendering after the fury of war; but the peace is all encompassing, the compassion a new reality and the strength truly enough to dispel the deep fear- day by day. Thank you for sharing your journey. Psalm 131:2
ReplyDelete2 But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.
M & M
Good to hear how you are doing, friend. Keep up the good work. You make me proud! And a little miserable. Just cuz I feel like a spiritual loser when I read you. I know it's unintended, so don't fret about it. I'm just saying...way to keep on keeping on.
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