checking in - Happy Easter! WHAT JOY!!!!!!

If you are old enough to remember the group "2nd Chapter of Acts" here is one of their best songs; if you've never heard of them but want to enjoy a great Easter song, give a listen. WHAT JOY!!!!! We can be born again!!!!! What joy...I wish I had the words to express my heart...what overwhelming joy!

It is a glorious day. It's been awhile since I've checked in. I want to tell everyone how I'm doing...Physically, emotionally and spiritually.

PHYSICALLY - I am generally moving forward. I have finally begun working full time again...my energy has yet to catch up to my schedule, and so, when I have a client cancellation, I often use the time to take a quick nap...something I never did before cancer treatment. Twenty to thirty minutes of sleep sometime around noon seems to keep me going for the rest of the day. I have regained my taste...though not as it was before. I can not tolerate spicy food, and some things taste stronger than they used to (for example, chocolate and coffee...I have to add milk and sugar to coffee after drinking it black for 30 years. Sometimes chocolate tastes too intense to enjoy, and burns a little). Some foods I do not taste as fully. I drink a lot of milk, but it often tastes funny. Thankfully, water tastes like water again, and the metallic taste is gone. In addition to spicy food, I can not eat dry food like bread or bagels. If I do eat a sandwich, I have to take a drink of water with every bite, or else I can not swallow the bread. It is easier to eat peanut butter on a piece of celery than it is peanut butter on a slice of bread because the moisture in the celery helps me swallow. But, praise God, I can eat peanut butter this way! My salivary functions are still screwy, and this is the most noticeable symptom I have...I must sip water a lot, especially if I am talking. When I wake up in the morning, there are times my mouth is so dry that it causes small cracks in my tongue...this takes a few days to heal, and in the meantime, anything acidic (tomato sauce, oranges, etc) burn my tongue. I try to walk every day, and my legs still get rubbery after a mile or so, but I am pushing it up toward two miles. It amazes me how my muscle tone deteriorated. Before treatment, my weight never varied more than a few pounds give or take of 160. I seem to have a new set point. Over the last six months, I haven't budged more than one pound up or down from 132. This is a bit frustrating, as I feel like I eat a lot of food, sometimes four meals a day, and can not gain any weight. Oh, how I used to wish for something like this! I always wanted to lose 10-15 pounds. And now, I want to gain 10-15 pounds! Generally I have no pain (except the occasional tongue burning...). My dry mouth is the most distressing symptom. I often feel slight pain in the neck area, and I immediately think "relapse," but then it goes away or shifts to the other side, etc. Perhaps it's phantom pain. The only hair loss I have is that my beard on my right side neck area does not grow, so I only have to shave half of my neck each day. Over the course of years, just think how much I can save on shaving cream and razors! I don't think I lost any hair on my head, but it is a bit thinner...perhaps that is aging more than radiation or chemo. At the end of April, I return for another check-up by the ENT and oncologist. I am optimistic. I am laughing more, enjoying more of life's blessings, and generally feeling at peace with God, with myself and the world around me.

EMOTIONALLY - I am generally up-beat, encouraged and grateful. I occasionally get discouraged about the effort eating can take, but then I remember how it was with the feeding tube. Sometimes, I have a bit of PTSD when I have a flashback to what life was like this past fall and winter...there are times when it seems like a bad dream, but there are times something triggers a specific memory of some very painful or some emotionally devastating time I had. This morning when I was taking a shower, I remembered how hard it was just to get the energy and motivation to take a shower, and how discouraged and freakish I felt when I had to look at that feeding tube as I stood in the shower. Sometimes I remember the long sleepless nights I had when I was sick from chemo, and in pain from radiation that burned the lining of my throat. But most of the time, I feel downright happy to be alive and so very grateful. So grateful. So very, very grateful to have today to celebrate.

I am appreciating the littlest things... you may find this insane, but I feel more connected with all things living than I ever have. We sometimes have these tiny fruit flies from bananas or something that comes in from the grocery store. When they fly around my face, I have this moment when I feel they are somehow greeting me. (...then I try to kill them). But seriously, my first instinct is to say "hello, little friend." I am sure that squirrels and birds are being very friendly to me. And I feel downright friendly toward them! And trees! What a wonder they are! I even occasionally (once in a while) enjoy people! I went through a phase during treatment where I was fearful of being alone...fearful that I would have some medical catastrophic event and die...I did not want to be around any people either, except Kathy. Now, I am enjoying time with Kathy, seeing friends, as well as times of solitude. Good thing.

SPIRITUALLY - I am re-connected in some new and old ways with God. I say reconnected because there were moments during the ordeal when I felt disconnected...I have not shared much about the origins of my own Christianity back in the early 1980's, but I became a Christian independent from any church involvement and independent of any people involvement...one of those miraculous revelations that many would be skeptical about. So, I still am a bit of a spiritual lone ranger...I always keep about an arm's length distance from church, partly to protect what I have with Jesus, so as not to get too distracted by church type and denominational/theological issues. I have attended a variety of denominational and nondenominational churches. I am currently a member of an Episcopalian church and truly enjoy the liturgy, the liturgical calendar, the daily office and the eucharist...but I don't really identify my Christianity with any denomination. I know I can be spiritually selfish and I know theology is important, but it can become so prideful and distracting (for me). There are great men and women who are marvelous examples of living Christianity active in various denominations, and I am a spiritual infant next to them. I am not worthy to tie the shoes of many I have met in the church. It always bothers me when someone brings up the "hypocrisy" of those who go to this or that church. Of course there are hypocrites in the church...we are, after all, sinners. I certainly am not free from hypocrisy myself. When I am in church I try to remember I am not there to judge people, or to emulate them; I am there to worship and draw closer to God. In spite of this, for whatever reason, I worship and connect with him best "in my closet" and I can become protective of that. I am still in awe of the God who loves me. I still have some unanswered questions about my own faith...like, how would I be doing spiritually if I didn't feel better physically?...I hope I never have to answer that question. I am not afraid of death at all, in fact, I have more a sense of being "ready" for that journey...it is just the process of a long, drawn out dying that scares me. I pray God will be with me in the event this is the way it shall go... and I with Him. My faith is strong. I love Jesus more than I can express.

One of my favorite verses is John 16:33...Jesus states..."I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart. I have overcome the world." I have a deeper appreciation than ever about the depth of those words. Trust me. Indeed, with Him and in Him I live and know peace beyond my circumstances.

Please watch the video...I am singing in my heart and sending this song out to everyone reading this. To my Jewish family and friends...Good Pesach! I don't have a Passover song to share with you. (I'd love for you to meet the Passover Lamb I've come to know and love!)...in any event...Good Pesach. There are magnificent mysteries to delve into in the Passover story...to paraphrase a rabbi I once heard...the deeper one looks, the more magnificent they become! God bless you all!

HAPPY EASTER!