I am blessed.
The other day I drove through KFC and ordered a side of cole slaw. It was a spur of the moment decision to get something to go along with some homemade soup (thank you Kathy) I brought with me to the office for lunch. I have had to throw out so much food that I thought I could eat... after one bite...either the taste or texture was so unpleasant I couldn't get it down...last weekend it was an order of Hunan Chicken, printed in red on the take-out Chinese menu, indicating "spicy"...one bite and my entire being lit up like Times Square on New Year's Eve. Kathy took a bite and said it was about a "4" on a 10 point scale...I used to order that entree often, and never thought of it as particularly spicy. So when I took a bite of cole slaw I was prepared to toss it and add it to the list of "no can do" foods. To my surprise, it tasted like....almost exactly like....cole slaw. There was a slight burning sensation on my tongue, but with sips of water, I was able to eat and actually experience some enjoyment in the taste. Pleasant surprise. A blessing (oh, and the soup tasted good as well!) Blessings that I would have so taken for granted six months ago that I would have forgotten all about it in about 3 minutes...along with about ten thousand other daily blessings. Cole slaw tasting like cole slaw should taste. A blessing.
Another blessing. I have gone three days without having to resort to drinking Ensure to get sufficient calories. I consider that a MAJOR blessing. The taste of water, though still a bit distorted, is not aversive, so I drank a 24 ounce cup while seeing clients yesterday. A blessing.
The streets are relatively free of snow and ice. My Suburu Forester has been reliable and effective in getting me to and fro this winter. A blessing.
I have been sleeping well. A blessing.
I have been able to walk a (indoor) mile. A blessing. I am waiting for the weather to warm sufficiently that I can again start walking outdoors.
I am feeling less of a need to take a nap from fatigue...many days none at all. A blessing.
I have learned to tolerate my impaired salivary glands much, much better...while I patiently (OK, OK, sometimes impatiently) await their partial or full return. A blessing of patience.
Are these things really blessings? They were just a part of my every day life this past summer. Let me tell you...when you lose something that is just a little part of your every day life, and/or regain it...you can begin to understand how truly blessed you are by these "little" blessings. Oh, and how many blessings am I still taking for granted?...my eyesight, my legs, a warm home. Just like fish in the ocean take the ocean itself for granted...I am so blessed I take blessings to be like the air that surrounds me or my next breath...I rarely, if ever, stop to contemplate the fullness and abundance of these extraordinary blessings or give thanks.
And then, of course, there are the BIG blessings...the warmth of a hug, the sound of the voice (or reading an e-mail) from a friend, the people I love and the love I receive, and of course, the LORD's love...the source of my next breath.
How blessed, how blessed our lives really are.
Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits -
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
PSALM 103:2-5
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
checking in - the forecast - partly sunny, partly cloudy, and foggy
SO...today was the day. I had three types of exams; three points of data. These were:
1. CT scan
2. PET scan
3. The ENT and medical oncologist's physical exam...looking, feeling, etc.
The results were mixed.
1. The CT scan did not show any tumor or indication of cancer...it was good news.
2. The physical exam by both Doctors did not show any signs of cancer.... that was good news.
3. However...the PET scan showed a "hot" spot that lit up on my tonsil. This does not necessarily mean there is still cancer; it could just be an indication of inflammation, or it could mean there are some cancer cells that are dying but are still hanging around, and may yet die. OR...it could mean there is still cancer on my tonsil, and surgery will be necessary... surgery that could result in permanent swallowing or voice impairment as they would need to take a piece of the base of my tongue and do some reconstruction.
The two options that were given me were to do a surgical biopsy or wait four to six weeks and do the scans again. The oncologist suggested that I wait, and indicated if it were him, he would wait and redo the scans. The ENT said both options were viable. My brother-in-law, an ENT at Wisconsin, stated he would definitely wait and re-do the scans, and said a biopsy would be hit and miss, since nothing is really visible from the physical exam or CT scan. And if a biopsy showed two or three of five cancer cells...then what?... do surgery that could be permanently damaging when it is possible those cells that are left would die on their own?
I think I will wait a month and have the scans done again. I am not celebrating...as the news falls in a grey area... it could be better, it could be worse... it could be a lot worse! I was crushed at first, as I was really hopeful of coming home "cured" based on the statistical probabilities. But, the oncologist indicated I might, in fact, already be cured, and the next round of scans could well yield the results I was hoping for.
So, it is back to waiting. I appreciate all your prayers, and I know God listens. What exactly He has in mind for this mess is still uncertain.
Overall, I continue to feel some gains in energy and I am eating more and varied foods...I had roast beef and gravy and veggies the last two nights, and that went OK so long as every bite was small and floating in gravy. My energy is OK...and though I was really disappointed with the lack of a clear picture, I think I will again try to regain an optimistic outlook. The waiting is difficult, and thinking about the worst possibilities are overwhelming to me, so I must try not to dwell there.
Darn...I had the "victory" post all worked out in my head...
1. CT scan
2. PET scan
3. The ENT and medical oncologist's physical exam...looking, feeling, etc.
The results were mixed.
1. The CT scan did not show any tumor or indication of cancer...it was good news.
2. The physical exam by both Doctors did not show any signs of cancer.... that was good news.
3. However...the PET scan showed a "hot" spot that lit up on my tonsil. This does not necessarily mean there is still cancer; it could just be an indication of inflammation, or it could mean there are some cancer cells that are dying but are still hanging around, and may yet die. OR...it could mean there is still cancer on my tonsil, and surgery will be necessary... surgery that could result in permanent swallowing or voice impairment as they would need to take a piece of the base of my tongue and do some reconstruction.
The two options that were given me were to do a surgical biopsy or wait four to six weeks and do the scans again. The oncologist suggested that I wait, and indicated if it were him, he would wait and redo the scans. The ENT said both options were viable. My brother-in-law, an ENT at Wisconsin, stated he would definitely wait and re-do the scans, and said a biopsy would be hit and miss, since nothing is really visible from the physical exam or CT scan. And if a biopsy showed two or three of five cancer cells...then what?... do surgery that could be permanently damaging when it is possible those cells that are left would die on their own?
I think I will wait a month and have the scans done again. I am not celebrating...as the news falls in a grey area... it could be better, it could be worse... it could be a lot worse! I was crushed at first, as I was really hopeful of coming home "cured" based on the statistical probabilities. But, the oncologist indicated I might, in fact, already be cured, and the next round of scans could well yield the results I was hoping for.
So, it is back to waiting. I appreciate all your prayers, and I know God listens. What exactly He has in mind for this mess is still uncertain.
Overall, I continue to feel some gains in energy and I am eating more and varied foods...I had roast beef and gravy and veggies the last two nights, and that went OK so long as every bite was small and floating in gravy. My energy is OK...and though I was really disappointed with the lack of a clear picture, I think I will again try to regain an optimistic outlook. The waiting is difficult, and thinking about the worst possibilities are overwhelming to me, so I must try not to dwell there.
Darn...I had the "victory" post all worked out in my head...
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
checking in - blueberries, sunshine, exercise, laughter, God
Regaining one's sense of taste is an odd thing. Some foods continue to be tasteless, some foods are OK, some have an unpleasant taste, and some foods the taste is just a vague hint of flavor that comes and goes. Even something as sweet as canned peaches some days is essentially tasteless. But I was delighted to discover blueberries tasted really good to me. I've been eating them on cereal every morning...cheerios, fiber one, wheat chex, bran flakes (and rice krispies when I can't get to sleep at night)...and I have been eating them with cottage cheese...and they taste good every time. Spaghetti and meat sauce was not bad, but I needed a lot of sauce to get the pasta down. Can one add blueberries to marinara??? Last night, I attempted to eat some Chinese take out food...I kept my order wimpy...snow peas chicken and won ton soup...figuring I would start rather bland. The fried rice and crab rangoon that went with the order were too dry and I gave up on those after one or two bites, as a voice in my head said..."have you forgotten you don't have saliva to slide this down?" But I ate the soup and about half the chicken dish. The texture of chicken is still unpleasant, but I am working on eating food, pleasant or not. I have yet to experience "hunger" and I eat because I should, not because I feel like it...with the exception...maybe...of blueberries. I have halted my weight loss, and even have gained one pound. I am also starting to drink water...again...not because of thirst or taste, but because I really need to. I also force myself to drink three bottles of Ensure plus daily...I long for the day when I am consuming enough real food that I can ban Ensure from our fridge for life.
We are forecast to get above freezing today for the first time in many weeks, and it sounds like we might even be in a warming trend which will get us above 40 in the next week or so...another cause for celebration...warmer weather makes me feel happy.
I began carrying my pedometer again, and I try to walk a mile (indoors) at my office every few days. I also am lifting some very, very light weights to try to regain some arm strength. Boy, did I lose strength....
Last night we watched some dumb sitcom...but a comment was made that cracked me up. One of those laughs that bring tears to your eyes. And I realized that that might have been my first laughing since August. Note to myself....I am waking up from this nightmare...there are moments to be enjoyed right here right now.
And finally, and firstly...I am again feeling more connected with God, and His love for me and my love for Him. I am reading scripture daily and seeing Him moving again in my life. I know He has never abandoned me, but I think I had abandoned Him for awhile...and of course, He is, as always, full of grace, forgiveness, mercy, love.
So...a week from today is that big day...and at least for right now...His grace is sufficient for me...let's have some blueberries!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
checking in - Ben Franklin
Here is my quote of the week...
"Energy and persistence alter all things."
- Benjamin Franklin
I feel myself regaining energy now, and it is a blessed relief. Persistance I am still learning, but as less of a novice... The repertoire of foods I am eating is slowly broadening, but eating is not enjoyable due to lack of salivary function. I am faintly tasting food, but, oddly, sometimes that comes and goes. Persistance.
Energy is such a good thing, and it's another of the many things I have learned to not take for granted. It's absence makes everything else seem such a burden. I realize I still have quite a way to go, as a walk from one end of the mall to the other last week wore me out. But, comparatively speaking, I am feeling noticeably more energetic than a few weeks ago. I need to start exercising and rebuild some strength. I can walk back and forth down a long hallway in my office building between clients. It's 200 steps round-trip, so about 12 round trips would equal a mile...unless my calculations are all screwy, which is quite possible. Dropping 30 pounds included some muscle mass, I am afraid.
Two weeks from today...the scans...that's all I'll say about that for now.
It's not cold here...it is frigid...and we have mountains of snow, and the rest of this week promises more of the same. Everyone here says "it's like an old-fashioned Nebraska winter" and, well, I HATE IT. We are forecast for 15 below zero and wind chills in the area of -35 to -45 degrees and more snow as the week goes on. I thought glaciers were melting in the Arctic for crying out loud....what's going on here?
"Energy and persistence alter all things."
- Benjamin Franklin
I feel myself regaining energy now, and it is a blessed relief. Persistance I am still learning, but as less of a novice... The repertoire of foods I am eating is slowly broadening, but eating is not enjoyable due to lack of salivary function. I am faintly tasting food, but, oddly, sometimes that comes and goes. Persistance.
Energy is such a good thing, and it's another of the many things I have learned to not take for granted. It's absence makes everything else seem such a burden. I realize I still have quite a way to go, as a walk from one end of the mall to the other last week wore me out. But, comparatively speaking, I am feeling noticeably more energetic than a few weeks ago. I need to start exercising and rebuild some strength. I can walk back and forth down a long hallway in my office building between clients. It's 200 steps round-trip, so about 12 round trips would equal a mile...unless my calculations are all screwy, which is quite possible. Dropping 30 pounds included some muscle mass, I am afraid.
Two weeks from today...the scans...that's all I'll say about that for now.
It's not cold here...it is frigid...and we have mountains of snow, and the rest of this week promises more of the same. Everyone here says "it's like an old-fashioned Nebraska winter" and, well, I HATE IT. We are forecast for 15 below zero and wind chills in the area of -35 to -45 degrees and more snow as the week goes on. I thought glaciers were melting in the Arctic for crying out loud....what's going on here?
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