Lessons learned - Endurance, faith & gratitude

Deep calls to deep at the noise of thy waterfalls
Thy waves and thy billows have gone over me.

Let darkness and privation
praise the Lord. Let hunger and pain.
Let snapping turtles in the murk
and ancient things asleep in mud,
let the hawk that takes the gosling,
praise. Let all things made of matter, melt.
Let the heart open, the belly open
to the great Y of the autopsy. Let scars praise,
cancers clap their hands.
Let the world turn like a toppled wheel,
the sea play its tambourines. The deep
calls to the deep. If all the world fell silent,
the stones would speak. Let evening come.
Take off your shirt and let it haunt the chair.
Lie sleepless. Let midnight come, and silence
like the inside of a bell. Let the stars
and the space between them,
our bodies and the space
between them, our breaths and
the space between them,
our lungs with their galleries, our hearts
with their aches and chambers, let longing
let darkness, let grief, let loneliness,
let death, oh praise, oh praise, oh praise.
---- Erin Noteboom

This poem was written by a rather obscure Canadian poet named Erin Noteboom. She is one of those poets I stumbled upon surfing the web...here is her link if you want to copy and paste it in your browser to see her other poetry and writing:

http://www.vividpieces.net/seal_up_the_thunder.shtml

In this poem, she borrows some of her phrases from psalms and other scripture to express something of what I am learning. In times of darkness, when His light seems dim and His love seems absent, when the future appears hopeless...He is still God and He is worthy of praise. He alone is in control of both night and day. He alone is my real and true and lasting security. As I know in a very real way, health may fail... I also know wealth may fail, and, God forbid, even family and friends may fail, so I best not rest my security on these things that are, to varying degrees, of course, so important. Today, when His light is ever so much more apparent to me, it is easier to praise Him than when I was enduring pain. But He is no more God today than when I felt only night. And He was no less God during my night of suffering than He is today. Jesus, you were Lord of my life then, and you remain the Lord of my life now. So heal me or take me home...You are worthy of praise.

My own faithfulness to Him is a fickle thing. I recall nights during this ordeal that I "felt" I had nearly lost my faith, or at least I began having some real doubts...did God really care about me, or even worse...did God really exist? I am grateful for His hold on me, rather than having to trust my hold on Him. Even during my times of doubt...this verse... "your love is better than life" from Psalm 63 that lit up in my head (I do not know how else to express the experience) so strongly as I was driving one day last August before radiation/chemo treatment began, stayed with me. Was this experience a gift from Him to comfort me during my darkest hours? Yes, I think so... Even now, when I think of the possibility of relapse... I remind myself of that moment of revelation/insight/awareness when those words and their truth resonated within me. And I am grateful... oh, praise Him, oh, praise Him, oh praise Him!

So the lesson learned...Life is precious...every day is precious...and His love...which is better yet...never fails.