one day into this

I am one day into my life with a diagnosed carcinoma...a metasticized, undifferentiated squamous cell carcinoma in my neck, to be more precise. I await the PET scan next week to give me a more specific diagnosis, prognosis, and treatment protocol.

I am not by any means at home with this awareness...but as the hours go by, so does the sinking in process.

I have another awareness, and that is an abiding sense of love...from God, from my family, from the few friends I've confided in

I am going to work hard on settling into the latter awareness ...and living in harmony with it even as my body enters this new phase of life. I am quite cowardly by nature, and thus, must depend on God to work mightily with this fragility. There is a little mixture of excitement...curiosity...dread...and strangely, peace about all this. Is it denial? Is it the beginning of something quite unexpected and certainly unexperienced, and I am sure, I am quite unprepared for what lies ahead. But I am seeking to stay in the moment with it, and so, not try to take on tomorrows pain or fear today. And today...I am reasonably OK...

I depend on many things...on Ambien to sleep, on Ativan to stave off panic, on the Lord to meet me here, on my wife, Kathy for her strong and calm presence and love, on my stepdaughter, Amy,son-in-law David, and grandkids Tanner, Riley, Averi, and Ashton, to ground me, and a few friends to confide in...not a large entourage, but then, I never needed a large entourage.

I depend on scripture and poetry and calm morning walks to lift my spirit.

I seek to deepen the deep things of my life.